Getting your ass kicked

Every fuckin’ beatin’ I’m grateful for. Every fuckin’ one of them. Get all the trust beat outta you. And you know what the fuckin’ world is.- Al Swearengen Deadwood (played by Ian McShane)

Have you ever been in the losing end of a fight?  Have you ever been punched in the face?  I don't approve of fighting for useless reasons, but I do believe it is both an unavoidable and important rite of passage in a man's life, similar to losing a parent.

I wrote a bit about my fighting history over at The Photo Fermata.  You can read the full account here.  
In the post about when I had to be on the losing side of fights.

My first memories of fighting violence are from the early 70's. I was in preschool- kindergarten. My dad worked for the Bureau of Indian Affairs as an engineer on irrigation systems. We were living in Lower Brule, South Dakota on an Indian reservation during the same time the American Indian Movement (AIM) was flaring up at the neighboring Pine Ridge Indian Reservation at Wounded Knee. Being the white kids of a government employee during this time was not easy. I am not going to write about the politics and the different sides of the issues. At four years old, my only side was keeping from getting beat up, and that was it.

On a regular basis, my brother and I were cornered and forced to fight or take a beating from a classmate or two. My brother is five years older than me. I learned a hard lesson. If I won the fight, I had to fight my opponents older brother or sister. At one point I had to learn when to take the beating over winning the fight. My brother had the same problems. He would jump in and protect me if I was way over-matched, but he had his own back to watch.

I learned a few things from taking a beating and getting punched in the face, the gut, and the balls.  The fear of these hits are in ways worse than the actual hit.  Before getting hit the first time, I feared I would break apart into pieces like glass.  After the hit, the kick, the punch, I learned that it hurt like hell, but I could still fight back and win.  I also learned that I would heal over time.  I learned who to fear, when to fear and when to give up.

I really wish some hard lessons in life weren't so hard, but unfortunately bad shit happens in life.  We fight, we hurt each other, we lose family members, and we eventually lose ourselves.

Below is a fight scene from Deadwood between Swearengen (Ian McShane) and Sheriff Bollock (Timothy Olymphant).  While it is very graphic, it shows how most fights end with both sides really hurting.  The makers of Deadwood were the best at showing the pummeling, bludgeoning, deep trauma of physical fights.  After watching one, you don't want to be in it.  The fight ends with both sides having secret weapons, a knife and a boy.

Be Big - Greed and Success

"Greed is good." Promotional photo from the movie Wallstreet

"Greed is right. Greed works. Greed clarifies, cuts through, and captures the essence of the evolutionary spirit. Greed, in all of its forms—greed for life, for money, for love, knowledge—has marked the upward surge of mankind." - Gordon Gekko - Wallstreet

During this economic super recession, depression... what ever the hell it is, I am reflecting on the greed that got us into this mess.  Many still want the old life and forget that our greed is what got us into this mess.  The big investment bankers still deny they were the engine that brought this on.  We still feel greed and need as our primary source of self worth.  How does this play into the definition of the modern man?  For me, it actually goes to the most basic instinct of men, to survive and do better.  The challenge for the modern man is to determine what true success is.  Is it just having the most  awesome stuff?




The commercial with Anthony Hopkins was made in the mid-2000's when big was everything.  It reminds me of the character Gorden Gekko's speech on greed from the movie Wall Street.  Both sum up our motivations then... and now.




I was caught up in that mentality.  I wanted more, more, more.  I have a garage full of stuff that I uselessly accumulated over those years because I felt it reflected my success.  I am currently going through the stuff to figure out what to do with it.  Some of it I do enjoy, but most are gathering dust.  What lessons can I learn from the stuff I bought?

Most of the stuff I bought I used once or twice and then set aside.  The flash and wonder of it wore off fast.  I have a really cool tent that I knew would make camping perfect.  I used it once and haven't since.  There are many other things like that.  The idea of them was better than the actual product.  I got seduced ( or suckered) by the allure of what that product could do for me. 

Some of the stuff I used quite a bit on special projects or interests, for example all the tools I bought while restoring my truck and all the darkroom equipment I used back when I shot black and white film.  That stuff is gathering dust, but I enjoyed their use when I needed them.

The last bits of stuff are things I use constantly and really enjoy.  My digital camera, the new iMac, my cross country skis.  These are things that truly bring me joy to have.  So, what makes these things different than the other stuff listed above, especially the things that I only used once and forgot about?

It all comes down to the intent of my purchase.  The stuff I got that is gathering the most dust came from my need to show my success.  I wanted those things as status symbols, not what they were actually to be used for.  Once I found that I didn't really like tennis, the expensive tennis racket that was the best on the court was useless.  Why didn't I get a cheap one and learn on it first?  I wanted people to see I was serious about tennis and I had the best equipment for it.

The camera was something I didn't buy because everyone else had one and I needed it as a status symbol.  I bought it to make art, not just art, but MY art. The same is true for my iMac.  I got the cross country skis because I've done that since childhood and it is one of the simplest pleasures I know.  It brings me peace.

As a man (and probably as a human) I want success.  I want recognition.  I want people to say, "Wow Karl, that is really something special."  What I have learned from sorting out all my stuff is that I need to change what success is.  It no longer is, "Wow Karl, that tennis racket is something special."  I don't want to be remembered as having a special toy.  I want to people to say, "Wow Karl, that photo is important, beautiful (insert adjective of choice here)."  I want what I do to be what I am judged by, not what I have.

With all that grandiose, self-actualized bull shit I just wrote out there, I have to add one caveat that I have to throw into the mix.  In a hundred years, there will be all new people.  None of them are going to remember or care who I was.  After recognizing that, true success for me then is not what I own, but that I enjoy doing right now and get the most meaning from.   I hope more men realize that by having a cool toy, they are not cooler.  It is the enjoyment and purpose for the toy that makes it worth anything.