Abe - the man in his own words

Abraham Lincoln - 1865 - photograph by Alexander Gardner

Abraham Lincoln is my favorite president.  He was not perfect.  His beliefs may seem antiquated or irrelevant to our times.  He was a complex man who battled depression, loss, physical illness, and other issues.  He may have been gay or bisexual, which made him even more complex and I admire him for it.  He was tall.

Below are some great quotes from our 16th president.  The ones in bold are my favorites. 

Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man's character, give him power.


You cannot build character and courage by taking away a man's initiative and independence.


I don't like that man. I must get to know him better.


Books serve to show a man that those original thoughts of his aren't very new at all.


God must love the common man, he made so many of them.


I care not much for a man's religion whose dog and cat are not the better for it.


Surely God would not have created such a being as man, with an ability to grasp the infinite, to exist only for a day! No, no, man was made for immortality.


I like to see a man proud of the place in which he lives. I like to see a man live so that his place will be proud of him.


I do not think much of a man who is not wiser today than he was yesterday.


Every man is said to have his peculiar ambition. Whether it be true or not, I can say for one that I have no other so great as that of being truly esteemed of my fellow men, by rendering myself worthy of their esteem.


When I hear a man preach, I like to see him act as if he were fighting bees.

If there is anything that a man can do well, I say let him do it. Give him a chance.


When I am getting ready to reason with a man, I spend one-third of my time thinking about myself and what I am going to say and two-thirds about him and what he is going to say.


No man has a good enough memory to be a successful liar.


The things I want to know are in books; my best friend is the man who'll get me a book I ain't read.


The way for a young man to rise is to improve himself in every way he can, never suspecting that anybody wishes to hinder him.


The time comes upon every public man when it is best for him to keep his lips closed.

Sometimes...

Valya - 120710

I just need to see a beautiful woman.  No deep intent on this post.  I just want to see some beauty.

Book Report - Fight Club and reclaiming masculinity.

Brad Pitt - Photo still from Fight Club

Fight Club - Chuck Palahniuk - 1996

The rules of Fight Club.

1. You don't talk about fight club.
2. You don't talk about fight club.
3. When someone says stop, or goes limp, the fight is over.
4. Only two guys to a fight.
5. One fight at a time.
6. They fight without shirts or shoes.
7. The fights go on as long as they have to.
8. If this is your first night at fight club, you have to fight.  – Fight Club, pages 48–50

What has humanity  (especially men) lost in identity and purpose in our postmodern world?  Men have become worker drones with no purpose beyond keeping the system afloat and then death in anonymity without being remembered.  These are some of the male angst issues addressed in Chuck Palahniuk's novel, Fight Club.

I admit I am late to the club.  I never saw the 1999 movie version starring Brad Pitt and Edward Norton.  I just read the book for the first time last month.  Nothing I will write here will be really new in the study of this book, but is just my thoughts on the book.


Reclaiming the masculine identity -

What you see at fight club is a generation of men raised by women.

No theme in this book is pushed further than men trying to reclaim their masculinity.  There are other themes of decay/entropy, destruction of the controlling systems, and anarchy, but the first and largest theme is this message of recapturing the male identity.

In the afterword of the book, Palahniuk shared a bit about what inspired him to write Fight Club.

...bookstores were full of books like The Joy Luck Club and The Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood and How to Make an American Quilt. These were all novels that presented a social model for women to be together. But there was no novel that presented a new social model for men to share their lives.

So many men live day-to-day without living.  We put in our time, make our money, watch our shows, and slowly die.  Many men want more yet so few men live out loud.  As the character Tyler Durden said when he shared his desire of "... not wanting to die without any scars."

So many men try to make up for this lack of meaning and life by buying the best toys, having the best home, and trying to satisfy their existence with things.

It used to be enough that when I came home angry and knowing that my life wasn't toeing my five-year plan, I could clean my condominium or detail my car.  Someday I'd be dead without a scar and there3 would be a really nice condo and car.  Really, really nice, until the dust settled or the next owner.  Nothing is static.  Even the Mona Lisa  is falling apart.  Since fight club, I can wiggle half the teeth in my jaw.  

Maybe self-improvement isn't the answer.
Tyler never knew his father.
Maybe self-destruction is the answer.

As the main character (never named in the book) and his alter ego Tyler Durden start fight club, they notice the types of guys who need to live a life that breaks the social restraints put on them.

Most guys are at fight club because of something they're too scared to fight.  After a few nights, you're afraid a lot less.  After you've been to fight club, watching football on a television is watching pornography when you could be having great sex."

You aren't alive anywhere like you're alive at fight club... ... Fight club isn't about winning or losing fights.  Fight club isn't about words.  You see a guy come to fight club for the first time, and his ass is a loaf of white bread.  You see the same guy here six months later, and he looks carved out of wood.  This guy trusts himself to handle anything.  There's hysterical shouting in tongues like at church, and you when you wake up Sunday afternoon you feel saved.

Nothing was solved when the fight was over, but nothing mattered.

Tyler attributes this lack of father role models to why these men are seeking out this violent salvation and freedom that comes from giving up control and becoming primal fighters.

The mechanic says, "If you're male and you're Christian and living in America, your father is your model for God.  And if you never know your father, if your father bails out or dies or is never at home, what do you believe about God?
"What you end up doing," the mechanic says, "is the possibility that God doesn't like you.  Could be, God hates us.  This is not the worst thing that can happen."
"Burn the Louvre," the mechanic says, "and wipe your ass with the Mona Lisa.  This way at least, God would know our names." 

I was twenty-seven when this book came out.  I was the same age as the main characters.  I didn't realize it at the time, but I was going through the same worthless spin cycle of life.  I was married, finishing another college degree, and starting professional life.  I felt that as long as I played by the rules and did my tasks, I would be content.  That is far from the truth.  I've played that game for twenty years and while having material comforts I am not satisfied with my life.

This is my world, my world, and those ancient people are dead.

Alcohol and drug addiction specialists emphasize the need of the addict to hit rock bottom to realize how fucked up their life is by addiction.  For the main character to become free, he had to hit rock bottom.  He had to lose all the trappings that made his life comfortably empty.  He had to lose his mind, conscience, and identity and slowly build all of it up to achieve some sense of recovery.  He is both physically and emotionally scarred by the journey.  In the end he is recovering but will never be whole again.

The postmodern man is in tough place that is bursting apart.  Fight Club is an example of the rebellion against the postmodern social constraints put on us.  We have been relegated by many as the evil of all society and can only be worker bees and remain silent.  This goes against our primal urges and needs to be men.  Men  can be violent,  forceful, primal, and protective.  In our history we have used these aggressive traits to commit murder, rape, genocide and racism.  By trying to become enlightened, we also try to repress these base instincts.  We deny their existence and are shocked that by repressing them, they explode in other directions.  I do not support the violence portrayed in this book as a healthy manifestation of restoring masculinity, but I understand the motivations of the characters.

One of the key lessons I learned from this book is that this is my world, right now.  I didn't exist one hundred years ago and will be dead and forgotten one hundred years from now.   I don't need to live the life my forefathers and mothers lived or expect of me.  I am anxious of my future playing out like a worn out cassette tape - ending with silence and thunk.  My life does not need to be meaningful to others, just me.   I am free to live how I want not what is prescribed to me by history, culture, gender, or other limiting factions.

On break

Valya - 110810

Life is crazy right now.  I will be back in two weeks.  Please read the old posts at this blog and the tons of old posts at The Photo Fermata 

Thanks to our veterans.   We need you.

Real Men in photos or words - don't have performance issues

The Piano Player - Coney Island - June 2010

This is a new standard feature to HMR, Real Men...  In this reoccurring series, HMR explores the definition of Real Men.  Today, I want to explore real men who are not afraid of showing who they are in public.

There are many cliches about real men and their challenges.  One of the subtler challenges a man faces is belief in self.   They may develop performance issues if this doubt grows too big.  You may think I am writing about bedroom problems, which this could be part of, but I am looking at something beyond sex, beyond love.  I am writing about belief and faith in self.

To be a real man, you have to know what you know and can do and also know your limitations.  Almost every great man (and woman) know they have something special and have the confidence to go through with it.  This self confidence may be to take on a new job, release a new song, approach an enemy, say "I love you." or to just play a piano in public to a beauty sitting beside you.

We all have some things we are good at and others want to see.  I salute those who have the confidence to share that ability with others and not give in to the fear that they will fail.  Who cares if you miss a note or two, you still played your heart out and lived in the moment.  By doing that, you showed you are a man living in the present and are not afraid what others think.  You don't just think about it, you did it.

Photo note - This photo is from Coney Island, New York.  The great city of New York sponsored an art installation piece by Luke Jerram called, "Play me, I'm yours."

Presented in NYC with Sing for Hope, 60 pianos were installed in public parks, streets and plazas in June 2010. Like a creative blank canvas, the pianos were there for any member of the public to play and engage with.  Streetpianos.com

This guy playing came over with sheet music, sat down, and played for the beauty to his left for half an hour.   Now that is a real man.

Masculinity - the inverse of feminity?

On Duty

A man’s evolution can only happen when he begins to cultivate a true sense of masculinity that is related to who he is as an individual. Reinventing the masculine identity is not making yourself more feminine; rather, it is striving to become you.  Viewing yourself in an inverse relationship with femininity will not change a thing. [Emphasis Mine] Alec A @ http://thefbomb.org/2010/10/redefining-masculinity/

I really dislike generalizations and stereotypes.  Most of us recognize generalizations paint too wide a picture and inhibit understanding of the individual or group being generalized.  While, once in a while, they are handy as a basic survival tool, we get trapped in them.  One of the traps is the us/them, right wrong aspects of them.  Generalizations often assume opposites are the truth and nothing can exist in the middle.

"Men are the opposite of women." 
"Men are from Mars... " 
"All that guys want is sex." 
"She must be part guy because of how she goes for sex."* 
"Unless it is a competition, men wont care." 

Men are not entirely the opposite of women.  We are all multi-dimensional universes with each direction having its own spectrum of behavior.  Many of these dimensions have nothing to do with gender.  It is our place on each dimension spectrum that defines who we are.  As a man, some of those are gender based and they make me who I am.  I am not the opposite of women, nor the same.  I am Karl and I am the man I am and there are none exactly like me.
 
* A woman told me this about her friend and colleague who is married, has an open relationship, and told her she has made out with a few colleagues.  

Perchance... it was more than just a dream.

Valya - 102410

To sleep, perchance to dream. - Hamlet

Perchance... it was more than just a dream. - my occasional wish.

Have you ever had one of those sexy dreams that felt so real that it affected how you felt upon waking up and how you thought through the day?  Ok, here is a twist.  Have you had one of those powerful sexy dreams of a coworker, colleague, friend, or someone who you saw the next day?  How did that make you feel?  Did it change how you acted around him/her?  Did they know?  Was it something more than just a dream?

My friend UL has been exploring dreams over at her great blog, What We Saw Today (WWST).  This morning she wrote about erotic dreams and the effects all dreams can have on our conscious life and help us see connections, relations and answers.   I wonder about the same thing with erotic dreams starring people we have platonic or professional relationships with.

I've written quite a bit about the nightmares and horror dreams I get most nights over at The Photo Fermata.  Those dreams are a huge part of who and how I am, but I also have good dreams, powerful dreams, and sexy dreams.  Those breaks from horror are better than a fine dessert.

Last month I had a dream with "Jill" in it (I actually know no one with that name, so it is a safe replacement).  Jill and I've worked together for a few years.  I've always found her attractive and fun to be around, but never really had any conscious erotic thoughts about her.  In my dream we were walking in the city in the rain, holding hands and being silent.  She took me to her apartment (funny thing since she has a home thirty miles from the city, but I appreciate how dreams make things convenient) and we then...   Well, that can live in my mind and my dreams.  It is not that I am prude or afraid of sharing something sexy, personal, or want to avoid bragging.  I withhold the details because to type them out tends to take the mystery, magic and emotion out of them.


In the dream, the details were so real, the senses very alive, and the moment so burned into my mind.  I can still feel the touches, the fabric of her clothes, and the recall the details in such depth even after a month.  Imagine how I felt waking up from that last dream of the night.  I was floating out of that into the dark, cold reality of my morning ritual.  Once I showered and shaved, the freshness of the dream had worn off and my mind drifted onto work, bills, feeding my dogs, and finding car keys.


I had a meeting at 10am and sat at the table getting my notes in order.  Jill walked in and sat opposite of me and said her usual good morning salutations.  I looked up and my mind instantly filled with both the sight and the feeling of her skin with mine.  I had to blink a few times and try to get back on task.  Neither of us had a major part in the meeting, so I had time to reflect on the dream.  Even though my logical awake mind knew that nothing real had happened between us, I felt this connection with her that was raw, fresh, and made me feel connected with her.  My subconscious mind was feeling something that my conscious mind repudiated.

The challenge with my subconscious mind is that my it pushes its will crudely and broadly with great force.  It holds the lust, fear, passion, joy, and other basic emotions and pushes them through like a bulldozer.  It is not subtle.  It has chemical properties, like hormones, pheromones, and other biological emotional concoctions working for it to plow reason to the side.  It takes a long time to put this basic, carnal process back into its box.  All through the meeting my base mind thought of what we had shared.  My logical mind kept reminding me, "IT WAS A DREAM!"


Jill stopped by my office later in the morning.   My base brain felt like we had shared something very intimate, but the dissonance of the real interaction vs. the one from the dream was breaking down the illusion.  I started to feel awkward and embarrassed.  One little part of my brain had to ask, "Can she tell I had that dream?  Is it written all over my face?"  It felt similar to when you get caught in the middle of a lustful gaze by the subject of the moment.


I managed to keep all these emotions under control and we chatted about a project.  When Jill left, she looked back and smiled in a way I had never seen before.  Did she know?  Did she notice something different about how I acted toward her?  Was I giving off some unconscious clues as to my dreamed carnal pleasures?  Had she shared the same dream the night before?  I guess my question became, was it a powerful sign from the universe? or as Freud said, "sometimes a cigar is just a cigar."


Photo note:  Valya is a true model, muse and artist.  You can see more of our work here. Warning:  Some of the photos are very hard to look at due to dark content.

You can debate the artistic validity of the photo above and whether it is art, porn, both, or neither.  One of the things I like about having this blog is that it explores my id instead of letting my ego and super ego control it.  I can post things I wouldn't on my other blog.

Fun way to live life

The woman in the shower adds the cherry on top of this great ad.

X Why? - Why are men pigs*?

This week, we are looking at that age old question, why are men pigs?  That question has so many layers and avenues.  It is like asking,"How do you perceive time?"  It is very personal, deep, multi-themed, and sometimes, contradictory.

This convoluted question needs to be clarified with another question, what type of "piggish" behavior are you asking about?  Do you mean living in a pigsty?  Are you asking about man's desire to be piggish and wanting everything?  Are you wondering about men's gross behaviors like farting on each other and pull-my-finger jokes?  Do you question why men crave certain deviant sexual needs?  Is your question going into a completely different way?


Men have so many piggish behaviors that I can't answer them simply.  It would be to easy to recite the fable of the scorpion and the frog and blame man's nasty ways on human nature. 

A scorpion was at the bank of a mighty river and wanted to cross it, but couldn't since he was unable to swim.  He saw a frog who is about to swim across and asked, "Frog, may I ride across the river on your back?"


The frog filled with shock and fear said, "No, you are a scorpion and you will sting me while we cross.


The scorpion replied, "That would be suicide since if I stung you while crossing we would be both drown."


The frog thought about that and then reluctantly agreed to carry the scorpion across.  While in the middle the deepest and fastest flowing part of the river, the scorpion delivered a fatal sting to the frog.   As the they start to sink, the stricken frog asked, "Scorpion, why did you sting me for now we both will die."

The scorpion sadly replied "Because, it is my nature to sting.  I am sorry."

That fable is too simple to answer all the questions about man's bad behaviors yet maybe there is a kernel of truth in it.  It is in our nature to do these things.  The important thing to acknowledge though is that while all men have some form of piggish behavior, we don't all have the same piggish behaviors.

In the future, X-Why? will try to answer the why men exhibit various types of bad behavior.  For today, let us focus on one bad behavior that is still too complicated to simply answer, but hopefully can illuminate - Why do men sexually harass unknown women on the road?

This question came from Ann.  Ann is a professor at a local university.  She commutes forty miles per day to get to work.  In her five years since starting there, she has had three uncomfortable vehicular encounters with men while driving down I -80.

During her first encounter, she was driving along when a guy pulled even with her car, matching her speed, and kept staring at her.  She tried speeding up, but he matched her speed again.  She slowed down and so did he.  She changed lanes and he dropped in behind her.  Finally, she quickly took an exit at the last second and he was not able to follow her.

On her second encounter, a guy pulled along side her and holds a sign in his window.  It read, "Call me!  My number is XXX-XXX-XXXX"  He followed along for a bit then took an early exit.

The third encounter happened just last week.  She was driving along and this guy pulls along side of her and holds  up a sign, "Excuse me, just looking...".  He then took down the first sign and put up a second one, "... for an exhibitionist."  At this time, he lifted up his bare leg way high and smiled at her.

All three stories are creepy and the men were pigs.  As stated earlier, this is not a piggish behavior of all men and can't be attributed to all of us, but it was still wrong.  The exhibitionist/stalking nature of these acts are obviously wrong, but that is not the sole reason for their badness.  It is also their intimidation and forceful ways while doing it in a way that they have a quick escape. 

The third guy had a silver pickup, but had removed all badges and brand names from it.  It had no front license plate.  The only way to identify it was the rear plate, which he made sure she never saw.  The second guy, while the least offensive, sped away when she sneered and flipped him off.  (Kind of dumb to give a number to track you by).  The first guy was especially scary since he stalked to intimidate her.  He had a fast car and she was in a slow Toyota.  He knew he could use that as a tool in his perversion as well.

This need to be able to remain anonymous while boldly stating what they want shows these men had desires they could not fulfill through healthy avenues.  These desires may have been based out of  sexual, power-based, and/or fear motivations.  All three wanted to use surprise and intimidation as their shock tool and then wanted to see the reaction of the victim. 

Many social scientists state that rape and sexual intimidation are not sex based.  These behaviors are based in power, domination and control issues.  The sexual aspects are purely the ends to the mean, not the purpose it self.  I disagree.  I think it has a strong sexual component where this is the way they get their sexual kink satisfied.  They can't feel arousal through other means and this is their avenue to sexual satisfaction.  I don't discount the other motivations of domination and power projection.  All of these things combine into a complex and sick concoction of a hateful crime. (On a side note, I wonder why social scientists try to remove the sexual motivations of rape.  Is it to protect the identity of sex?)

So, why do men stalk women on the road?  It is their unhealthy sexual need that mixes surprise, intimidation, and shock to scratch their primal itch.  It is a deep-seeded instinct that needs attention and they are genetically programmed and culturally encouraged to use this method to get their needs met.  I am guessing they have some basic belief that this system of approach will work and the woman will eventually acquiesce to their desires.  At the very least, the fear and shock of the victim is stimulation enough to give them the sexual and physical satisfaction they need.   I am disgusted by these type of men since they reward their problems and inflict fear through cowardly and indirect ways (No.  I am not condoning active/direct sexual harm and violence.  I am stating they are cowards for not approaching their sexual needs in a positive and healthy way or getting help for their issues.).  Sadly, that level of involvement will not be enough in the future and they will probably escalate to darker methods.

This progression of sexual behaviors is a common part of male identity**.  At first, we dream of our first kiss.  After that, our first touch fills our desires.  We continually want more and deeper experiences as our sexuality matures.  In healthy men this continued desire for new and deeper sexual enjoyment is healthy and good for all involved.  In sexual predators, it is a disease and needs to be confronted and treated.  I have no problem with life-long incarceration if the treatment does not work.

I highly recommend to anyone who has been the victim of any type of intimidation to report the incident to the police.   These men are dangerous and you deserve your legal protection from them. 

*My first question wonders why we have to implicate the poor pig in this?  Pigs are intelligent and much less complex and disgusting than men.  I guess humans love assigning relationships to all behaviors, so the pig must suffer for it.

** ... and will be written about here, ad nauseum.

X Why? - Why do men jump up to touch things?

*"X Why?" is a new feature at HMR.  It will be a reoccurring column on why men do things.   These answers can range from actions, behaviors, desires, beliefs, and needs.  Most of these answers will come from half-assed, or better, research, specialists, the writer's opinion, and hopefully a little humor (but not afraid to tackle the serious ones as well).  HMR encourages readers to contribute questions and answers to the age-old question - Why do men...?

Today's question - Why do men have to jump up and touch signs, awnings, and other high up objects while walking down the sidewalk?

Very good question.  I do it.  My 75 year old dad does it.  My friend Jim is really good at it.  I have a few theories on this vertical need.

1.  To see if he can do it.   That is probably the best reason.  Guys need to test themselves regularly in physical and mental ways.  These experiments test to check ability, improvement, maintenance, or decline in performances in this skill.  It may be some evolutionary trait we can't suppress because we never know when we may need to jump up and get something out of survival needs.  I have used this ability many times to rescue helium balloons from going into ceiling fans.

2.  To impress friends, family and love interests.  I remember when I discovered I was able to lift heavier things than my dad and my brother, run faster than my friends, and reach higher store awnings than most people.  Being 6'4" really helps with the last one.  My friend Jim, at 5'10" has a higher vertical jump than me, but I can still reach higher up the awning.  As for impressing love interests, what lover doesn't appreciate a guy who can reach "way up there".  If he is good at that, then he must be really good at...

3.  To experience the object.  Babies need to stick things in their mouths to understand them.  Men have to touch them.  This need to touch things includes needing to jump way up and touch the object, even if only for a brief moment.  I truly appreciate the beauty of a store awning by feeling its canvas texture, temperature, and density as my hand slaps it for a brief moment.  I can even tell you what color it is by doing that.   Why do you think men love to caress those they love?

Women, I encourage you to try and do this the next time you walk down the street and see something up there, jump up and touch it.  You may discover the beauty of this simple act.  You will also greatly confuse any men watching you.  Gender transgressions are great for the psyche.

*The title comes from the genetic chromosomes that determine male physical gender, XY.  (Women have XX chromosomes to identify physical gender.)  The chromosomes got their name by their shapes.

WARNING - Dangerous Scam Photographer - WARNING

My friend and model, Valya, told me of a model/photographer horror story during our shoot.  She had recently worked with a guy who stole money from her, refused to pay her, and also touched her inappropriately at the end of the shoot.  She reported him to Model Mayhem, the FBI, and other agencies.

Today, Valya posted at her blog that the creep has popped up again and is seeking models in the Virginia and Washington DC area.  He uses various aliases.  At the bottom of this post is the information that he is using for his solicitations.  Please visit her blog (link here) for her contact information if you have any questions about this.

Every model I've worked with has been a gift, and Valya stands with the best of them.  She is a true professional who brought her "A+" game to our session.   She is also a genuinely nice person.   It angers me that someone did this to her and many other models as well.

Our community of photographers and models is special and we look out for each other. PLEASE CONTACT THE FBI IF YOU HAVE ANY INFORMATION ABOUT THIS GUY.

Below is the text I copied from Valya's blog.
Please be aware of this man who victimizes females who model nude:

his emails:
peekture.taker@gmail.com
fotovisionz@gmail.com
fokusfoto@gmail.com
cgarbiano@verizon.net
female.photographer@gmail.com
(last two emails he is pretending to be a female photographer named Jami or Carol, and/or it's a female accomplice)

his cell #'s:
804-435-5090
804-247-2801   

some previous aliases:
Jim Hines
Jay Hanes
John
Carol Garbiano
Jami
Fokus Foto
FokusFoto
PeektureTaker (his recent myspace handle, prior to which it was fokusfoto)

Please pass this on and and feel free to contact me if you would like more information.
Stay safe,
Valya

Thanks to all.  Treat each other well and be careful.

Who gets past the feminist bouncers?

Hear Me Roar (HMR) focuses on men, masculinity, masculism, and the role, identity, rights, and perception of men in society.  This focus on the masculine gender is fine, but HMR must also take time to look at feminism and the role, identity, rights, and perception of women in society.

Recently resigned Alaska gov Sarah Palin publicly proclaimed her feminism.  Many in the political world wondered what that meant.  Can someone as conservative as Palin be a feminist?

This question of who gets to self-proclaim as feminist was posed to a number of feminist writers and theorists at Slate.com.  The responses are interesting.  Some agree that Palin can claim the identity, others argue against it for various reasons.  The first argument against is that while Palin is a product of feminism, she has done nothing to promote feminist causes.  The second draws an even harder line in the sand, Palin's hard pro-life/anti-choice/anti-abortion stand absolutely keeps her out of the group.  I highly recommend you read the article. 

So, what is HMR's stand on a feminist litmus test?  Undecided.  HMR has concerns about exclusive clubs that openly discriminate, even to those sympathetic to the group's causes but with differing ideas or backgrounds.  On the other hand, no group should allow someone in who will actively and purposefully damage the group and the cause.  My questions for any group are:

• How do you handle differing opinions from group members?  
• Do you listen to them, but do nothing about them?  
• Do you placate or cave in to them?  
• Do you toss them out of the group?
• Which individuals or groups are definitely persona non grata?

As for Palin's desire to take on the identity of feminist - check her motives.   HMR believes she intends to mock, damage, belittle, and reduce the importance of the movement.  The feminist movement is in a mine field with this one.  If they accept her, how do they control her?  If they refute her, how will the group's identity change after rejecting a woman of power from membership?  Good luck.

On a side note, HMR supports the core feminist values and causes.  As with all groups, fringe interests arise that test support both within and outside of the group.  That is worth many more blog posts.

Interesting Twists in Statistics.

Aren't we all the standard deviation?

INTRODUCTION
I work in a scientific field.  Statistics are the text that make up the scientific bible.  It tells us in numbers, shared definitions, charts, and other agreed methods, the meaning (if any) of the questions we asked.  The data is the data.  It is as good as the planning and set up of collecting, processing and interpreting it.  If the study design is faulty, the data will be too.  If the study design is robust, the data will be too.  The key point to remember with stats, don't believe the numbers until you fully understand them.


In the hands of statisticians, scientists, mathematicians and other experienced statistics users, the data can be used and explored with the hope of truth and accuracy.  Once that data escapes to people with agendas, it can be spun and give stories that are exaggerations or lies.  My interest in this comes from two recent interactions with "stats."  The first is in relationship to violent crime and the second to the amount of orgasms women have during anal sex (the two stats were not presented as related and are from completely different discussions.) 


PART 1

I was talking to someone from the old country, Montana.  They had heard some statistic stating more rapes and murders occur in California and New York than all other states.  I instantly felt my statistical shenanigans hackles rise.  I asked where they got this number.  From a conservative talk show host implicating that the blue states have more crime.  I then asked how did they report the numbers.  Did they give specific data?  The shared data was total numbers of murders and rapes for each state.   That right there triggered the full stat shenanigans alarm.

I asked the Montanan:
How many people live in the US?  It is estimated around 310,000,000.
How many people live in California and New York? ~37,000,000 and ~19,500,000 = 56,500,000
After doing some math  56.5M / 310M X 100 = 18.2% of all Americans live in California or New York.  That means almost 1 in 5 Americans live in one of those two states.  For California alone, 1 in 8 Americans are Californian.
I then had to ask, wouldn't that mean about 1/5 of all murders and rapes in the USA occur in either of those states?  That one stumped the Montanan for a moment and they reluctantly agreed.

After the chat ended I had to look up some data.  I went to the FBI crime statistics website that breaks down crime types for each state.  I looked at the 2009 numbers for both Montana and California.

California - 1,972 murders, 8713 forcible rapes reported
Montana - 28 murders, 294 forcible rapes reported. Total Montana Population ~975,000

I ran the numbers and determined the incidence rates for both states per 100,000 people.

In California there were 5.3 murders and 240 reported rapes per 100,000 citizens in 2009.
In Montana there were 2.8 murders and 300 reported rapes per 100,000 citizens in 2009.   

If you look at that data, California had almost twice as many murders as Montana per 100,000 people.  Montana had 20% more reported rapes than California per 100,000 people.  Even with that data, it is hard to make assumptions as to why the crime rates varied between the two states so much.  We can theorize on it and do more studies to test the theories, but those numbers alone only tell us the totals, not the causes.  We can also argue about the validity of the totals reported.  The number of murders is a pretty objective number since it is based on the total number of bodies found that were the result of murder.  Ever since rape statistics have been collected, statisticians have known the actual number of rapes compared to the number reported are way off.  That nugget right there can throw speculations out the window.  We could look into estimates of under reporting of rape for each state and ask why so few rape victims file reports.  There are so many questions for criminologists, psychologists, and sociologists to explore.

PART 2

I was visiting one of my favorite websites, Slate.com.  I read the following headline, The Ass Man Cometh: Experimentation, orgasms, and the rise of anal sex. written by William Saletan and was drawn into the article.  The article reports results from a recent national survey published in the latest issue of the Journal of Sexual Medicine.


As the Slate article states, the survey ...

... clarifies the prevalence of gay sex, teenage intercourse, and oral gratification. But the big story is the increase in anal sex reported by women—and its possible connection to female orgasms.

In the article, the survey found a increases in the number of women in all age groups who report having anal sex ever and in the past year over the numbers reported in 1992.  The shocking news came from comparing the amount of women who achieved orgasm through various methods.

Among women who had vaginal sex in their last encounter, the percentage who said they reached orgasm was 65. Among those who received oral sex, it was 81. But among those who had anal sex, it was 94. Anal sex outscored cunnilingus.

Is there some new erogenous zone being discovered through anal sex with women?  How can this be?  What would Freud think since he believed clitoral stimulated orgasms were "immature" and inferior to vaginal stimulated orgasms?


Saletan postulated on this and suggested an interesting possibility.

Here's my guess. Look carefully at Table 4, Pages 355-6. Only 6 percent of women who had anal sex in their last encounter did so in isolation. Eighty-six percent also had vaginal sex. Seventy-two percent also received oral sex. Thirty-one percent also had partnered masturbation. And the more sex acts a woman engaged in during the encounter, the more likely she was to report orgasm. These other activities are what gave the women their orgasms. The anal sex just came along for the ride.

So why did the inclusion of anal sex bump the orgasm figure up to 94 percent? It didn't. The causality runs the other way. Women who were getting what they wanted were more likely to indulge their partners' wishes. It wasn't the anal sex that caused the orgasms. It was the orgasms that caused the anal sex.

CONCLUSION

Both of these statistical examples illustrate the power and dangers of statistics.  Like drugs, porn, and other things that are used for various purposes, they are neither good or bad.  It is the use, purpose, and end results that can make them good or bad.  Whether we use overly simplified crime stats for political gain or over-generalized sex stats to try and convince someone into trying anal sex, the temptation to corrupt the data through message manipulation and selected number sampling is great.  Do not believe statistics until you fully understand what and how they measured the desired questions.


POSTLUDE
What does this have to do with masculinity?  As with all statistics, the temptation to create sweeping generalizations are great.  When it deals with details on sex, sexual practices, and other sexual points of interest, it affects us all.  We need to know the truth about data before we take the interpretations from them as truth.  Sometimes the interpretations are lies and need to be debated and debunked.  Other times, they are a pleasant or painful truth we need to face.  Either way, don't swallow the kool-aid until you have read all the ingredients.


On a lighter second note - As a sexual male, it is titillating to read this stuff and figure out where I fit into the data. I am ahead of the curve for some parts and behind on others.  Time to have fun.

Stud vs. Creep vs. Slut: The challenges of being a sexual male in our age.

I read a great editorial at Alternet.org titled, Why Do We Demonize Men Who are Honest about Their Sexual Needs? by Clarisse Thorn  It is one feminist's view on the dangerous corner men are being put into that is full of double standards and unwarranted limitations.  It is the first blatantly open writing I have read from a feminist that explains many of the challenges the modern sexual male faces.  Please read her article before reading the rest of this post.

So how can a man express his sexual needs without being tarred as a creep? After all, the point of promoting sex-positive attitudes is for everyone to be able to be open about their needs and desires, right? [Emphasis mine]

First, I know most of all sexual crimes are perpetrated by men.
Second, I acknowledge the male gaze heavily dominates our pop culture.
Third, I acknowledge and respect the continued struggle for equality and respect of women.

With those disclaimers out there, I have to now share a rant.  As a middle-aged, upper middle-class, heterosexual white male, I am in a group that is easy to dislike, disparage, and disenfranchise.  Much of this comes from the sins of my forefathers who did the same to almost all other groups.  With that historical baggage, many distrust the motives, intentions, and value of what I offer.  This is especially true when discussing sexual desires, needs, and attractions.  If I say I prefer tall, skinny, blond bombshells with pert tushes and big breasts (not actually my preference)*, I can be labeled as a racist, misogynist who perpetuates the dangerous stereotypical ideal that encourages eating disorders and the oppression of alternative looks.   If I share nothing about my preferences I never get what I seek and am accused of not sharing my feelings.  If I share my desires, I am judged on them.

Preferences are things we prefer.  They may be narrow or broad.  They may limit our experiences or make them overly abundant.  I made up a term and call myself a "terravore".  That means I only eat food that comes from above water.  That preference limits me, but it is what I prefer.  I don't like dramatic musicals like Phantom of the Opera.  I prefer musical comedies.  I prefer the music of Dire Straits to the solo works of Mark Knopfler.  If I say I prefer* short, dark-haired Latina women, I am not saying I want to harm all other women and oppress them.  It is just my personal taste and preference in what I find attractive and desirable.  I do not judge poorly others who have different preferences than mine, to each their own.

The pressure put on men to be initiators, yet avoid seeming creepy or aggressive leads to an unpleasant double bind. After all, the same gross cultural pressures that make women into objects force men into instigators; how many women do you know who proposed to their husbands?

It is tough to be an alpha male in our culture, especially in regards to sex and desire. If a man takes the lead, he is an oppressor.  If he doesn't, he is a wimp and is disregarded.

We feminists often say that men's promiscuity is lauded while women's is stigmatized, and one point of this argument is purely linguistic: "stud" is a complimentary word for a promiscuous man, while "slut" is a hurtful word for a promiscuous woman.


The stud vs. slut dichotomy is worth discussing, but it has one flaw: it entirely ignores the word "creep," whose function appears to be restricting male sexuality to a limited, contradictory set of behaviors. [Emphasis mine]

So how can a man express his sexual needs without being tarred as a creep? After all, the point of promoting sex-positive attitudes is for everyone to be able to be open about their needs and desires, right?

As I have mentioned before, I am not my forefathers.  I am not trying to repress your sexuality.  How can I express mine if it is seen as wrong and "creepy"?  The actual content of my desires may be creepy, but the act of expressing it shouldn't be.

Men are under so much pressure to get busy all the time that even when they're having sex, their own pleasure may be less central than meeting the stereotype of how dudes are supposed to get laid. For some men, the stereotypes do kinda represent their desires; for some, the stereotypes don't work at all.

That is the double standard.  There are stereotypes of men that do not apply to all men.  If my desires do not fit into the stereotypical guy's desires, I am labeled as a creep.  Being labeled a "creep" is far worse than a "stud",  "Lothario", "womanizer", etc.  Creeps are in the same group, or a notch above pedophiles in popular culture.  As Thorn writes, " Men are supposed to be insatiable only within those bounds. Men who step outside them -- for example, heterosexual men who are attracted to curvier women, or who like being pegged with a dildo in the butt -- are either mocked or viewed with anxious suspicion."  If women, homosexuals, and other non heterosexual males can explore different sexual avenues of pleasure openly, why can't heterosexual males?

Like most people, men want sex, and that's not a bad thing. Like everyone, men deserve to feel as though their sexuality is hot, awesome, delicious, valuable, and can be pleasurable for all parties in a consensual situation. Just as women shouldn't have to feel exploited when they have consensual sex, men shouldn't have to feel like they're exploiting someone when they have consensual sex. Just as more and more space is being made for forthright discussion of female sexuality, more and more space should be made for forthright discussion of male sexuality.

It's also incumbent upon us to honor each others' boundaries. But this is not a question of limiting or repressing male sexuality, and it shouldn't be framed that way. It should be framed entirely as a question of consent, communication and respect.

AMEN

* I will not share my preferences in beauty and attraction.  It evolves and I don't want to be pinned down.  Being a male, even that declaration makes me sound like an opportunist who wants what ever tickles my momentary fancy.  That is actually far from the truth.

Getting your ass kicked

Every fuckin’ beatin’ I’m grateful for. Every fuckin’ one of them. Get all the trust beat outta you. And you know what the fuckin’ world is.- Al Swearengen Deadwood (played by Ian McShane)

Have you ever been in the losing end of a fight?  Have you ever been punched in the face?  I don't approve of fighting for useless reasons, but I do believe it is both an unavoidable and important rite of passage in a man's life, similar to losing a parent.

I wrote a bit about my fighting history over at The Photo Fermata.  You can read the full account here.  
In the post about when I had to be on the losing side of fights.

My first memories of fighting violence are from the early 70's. I was in preschool- kindergarten. My dad worked for the Bureau of Indian Affairs as an engineer on irrigation systems. We were living in Lower Brule, South Dakota on an Indian reservation during the same time the American Indian Movement (AIM) was flaring up at the neighboring Pine Ridge Indian Reservation at Wounded Knee. Being the white kids of a government employee during this time was not easy. I am not going to write about the politics and the different sides of the issues. At four years old, my only side was keeping from getting beat up, and that was it.

On a regular basis, my brother and I were cornered and forced to fight or take a beating from a classmate or two. My brother is five years older than me. I learned a hard lesson. If I won the fight, I had to fight my opponents older brother or sister. At one point I had to learn when to take the beating over winning the fight. My brother had the same problems. He would jump in and protect me if I was way over-matched, but he had his own back to watch.

I learned a few things from taking a beating and getting punched in the face, the gut, and the balls.  The fear of these hits are in ways worse than the actual hit.  Before getting hit the first time, I feared I would break apart into pieces like glass.  After the hit, the kick, the punch, I learned that it hurt like hell, but I could still fight back and win.  I also learned that I would heal over time.  I learned who to fear, when to fear and when to give up.

I really wish some hard lessons in life weren't so hard, but unfortunately bad shit happens in life.  We fight, we hurt each other, we lose family members, and we eventually lose ourselves.

Below is a fight scene from Deadwood between Swearengen (Ian McShane) and Sheriff Bollock (Timothy Olymphant).  While it is very graphic, it shows how most fights end with both sides really hurting.  The makers of Deadwood were the best at showing the pummeling, bludgeoning, deep trauma of physical fights.  After watching one, you don't want to be in it.  The fight ends with both sides having secret weapons, a knife and a boy.

*X Why? - The Money Shot

Big Money  - Photo of video from Behind the Green Door - 1972

A money shot (also called a "money-making" shot) is a provocative, sensational, or memorable sequence in a film, on which the film's commercial performance is perceived to depend. [emphasis mine]

In Pornography:
A money shot has also been used as another name for a cum shot in pornographic films. The shot was so named because if a male actor could not provide this shot he would not be paid.  It has also been argued that this is the filmed moment the audience has paid to see.  According to Stephen Zitlow, author of The Film Maker's Guide to Pornography , "...the cum shot, or, as some refer to it, 'the money shot', is the most important element in the movie and that everything else (if necessary) should be sacrificed at its expense."
The degree of acceptance that the term has acquired in pop culture is problematic to estimate.[emphasis mine] - Wikipedia

Why is the culmination, the ultimate moment, the money shot the absolute must have in porn?  There is the physical obvious.  When a many cums, he needs to go through a full cycle before he is ready again, and that is assuming he can get ready again.  While that is the obvious, the allure and importance of the money shot goes beyond that.

To try to find reasons why the money shot has achieved its status, let us explore the actual event.  I've watched enough porn to be able to break down the money shot ending three ways (can be straight or gay):

1. The man pulls out of her vagina (or anus) and finishes near the location (backside or front).  The partner (male or female) still moves his/her hips in the sexual rhythm prior to the pull out.  The physical remnants of his orgasm are either played with by the partner or the scene fades away and the mess is forgotten.  
2. The man is getting a blow job or mammary stimulation (titty fuck in porn parlance) and releases on her/his mouth, face, neck, breasts, chest, etc.  
3. The man pulls out of the vagina or anus and both quickly move around so he can finish on her/his mouth, face, neck, breasts, chest, etc.

Within each of these three areas are many variations.  These variations are due to theme, attitude, and feel of the video.  In recent years, the themes of dominance, misogyny, and demeaning the woman are becoming more prevalent.  I believe that domination and abuse while finishing the money shot goes beyond the usual motivation and appreciation of the money shot.  It is more of a fetish, a dominance and power projection issue and less of a sexual one (which may be worth another post in the future).

According to a University of Sydney study, 70% of men and 30% of women admit to viewing online pornography.  With that in mind, the producers of porn are obviously going to create their products for the male gaze (although there are a number of porn and erotica producers, like Candida Royalle, that create material for female audiences.)  It then is easy to assume the money shot is intended for guys.  In femme-focused adult movies, they rarely, if ever, show a money shot.

So, what is the need of the money shot?  As stated above, it is the omega to the scene, but that doesn't answer why it has to be external.  I would guess it is because men are such visual consumers of erotic content, they have to see it to believe.  If they don't see the man ejaculate all over, it didn't happen.  In the past twenty years, more porn showing female ejaculation (squirting in porn parlance) has also grown popular.  This may be attributed to the same basic reason, by seeing it, we can believe she actually had an orgasm.  On a side note, the woman's ejaculation is rarely the money shot.  It usually is just a build up to the male money shot that ends the scene.

Another reason for the absolute importance of the money shot may be that many men can not handle the moments after orgasm, both in porn and in reality.  They want the end to be... the end.  Many men do not like dealing with life after the orgasm.  This is the time when the intimacy after post-intimacy begins.  This is the time when true emotions either are shared or hurried out the door.   Some men can't handle that post-moment moment.  There is an old saying, "Men don't pay prostitutes for sex, they pay them to leave afterward."  The same may also be true about the money shot.  Many men want the orgasm and not the afterward.


One reason that many men would not admit to about enjoying the money shot is its homoerotic nature.  In most porno movies the guy has a well hung cock that is swollen, sexy and perfect.  By watching the ejaculate flying out, it is a primal rush.  We are watching an alpha male with a big one and we admire it, envy it, and for some - desire it.  I think the comedian Ron White states it perfectly.



What about real life?  Yes, it can be sexy.  We have to remember though the reason for a money shot can be very different than why we may do it in our own sexual relations.  (That may be worth another entire post, but maybe not.)

Why is the money shot crucial?  To be honest, I think every male (and maybe female) viewer of porn has a different view and appreciation of it.  It may be just another way to say "The End" without words.  On the other hand, it could be a much deeper need for closure, arousal, fear, power, and other needs and emotions that make male sexuality a lot more complex than many think it is.


Photo note- During my recent trip to Las Vegas, I visited The Erotic Heritage Museum.  It is a great sex-positive museum with a pretty decent academic/artistic push in it.  It will have something to arouse everyone and a few things that will disgust anyone.  I highly recommend taking the side trip to it.  One of the best treats is they let patrons take photos of the exhibits.  You will see more of my photos in future posts.

They have an oval shaped room that shows pornographic movies from all the decades, including one from the beginning of the last century.  You sit on these overstuffed,plush benches in the middle and are surrounded by moving porn of the ages.  I started taking photos of the various movies and got the one above.  It is from the San Francisco cult classic, Behind the Green Door.  I knew as soon as I started this post I wanted this image at the top.


*The title comes from the genetic chromosomes that determine male physical gender, XY.  (Women have XX chromosomes to identify physical gender.)  The chromosomes got their name by their shapes.

Don't always say you are sorry.

Ok, this one isn't directed toward just men.  It applies to everyone.  Why do we over apologize?  We say"I'm sorry" to just about anything.  I am guilty of it as well.  While talking about guilt, do we continually offer these weak apologies because of some sense of guilt or shame that we assume it is our fault?  Is it a sense of feeling weak when some one is dominant over us?

I understand the awkward "I'm sorry" that happens at funerals or during times of disaster.  Sometimes we don't know anything better to say at those awful moments.

It is these little apologies that are said when no blame has been offered up or needs to be acknowledged.  These little apologies weaken the value of genuine contrition that is needed these days.

I hereby vow that I will apologize for what I have done wrong and needs to be made right.  I will not apologize for others and will stop giving out the weak ones that have no real purpose or meaning.

*X Why? What is it about the crotch shot?

Leila 091610 - 1

Why is the crotch shot so well loved, and loved on, by men?  Many of us spend hours a day looking at photos and movies of them on the internet.  Before the internet, we would rent videos with them.  Millions of magazines sell the *crotch shot.  There is an allure to the crotch shot for men, or at least this man.

I, and other bloggers, have written extensively on the artistic value of the crotch shot.  Please read the content at these links for those points.  I am not writing about that today.   I am more interested in why most men, including me, have such a fascination with this type of explicit photo. (Link1 - Photo Fermata) (Link2 What We Saw Today)

I remember when I first snuck a peak at dad's Playboy stash back in the late 1970's.  Playboy didn't have graphic crotch shots back then.  The women rarely spread their legs leaving this  pre and early pubescent boy with no idea what was down there.  All I knew was that something about that area enticed me to seeing it.  The first detailed crotch shot for me came from an unlikely source, my mom's copy of Gray's Anatomy (she is a nurse).  That image didn't really do much for me because it was so... clinical and sterile.  It had labels written in a fancy italic font.  It was not real.  I wanted to see a photo of a real one.

Illustration from Gray's Anatomy - 1918

When my brother left for college in the early 1980's I found a few copies of Penthouse he had hidden.  I finally saw my first crotch shot.  I was in puberty and it made me so aroused that the moment did not last long.  I knew right then I had seen the holy grail, the part of the woman that held a power over me and always wanted to see, touch, taste, and have sex with.  Since that time I've seen thousands of crotch shots through all the media I listed above.

While I usually grow tired of seeing such repetition, these photos will always pique my interest in the first few seconds.   I believe this basic instinct to look and feel deep interest that overrides the higher brain functions that would normally disregard such experiences.  Some part of me has the deep erotic and sensual need to know what beauty each woman has down there.  It is the basic physical identity of gender and why men and women were built differently.  We evolved to seek these parts out and to procreate.  Without this deep desire, we would have died out.

I try to find beauty in the open leg imagery (all media) with an artistic and erotically sensual appreciation, but the basis of it is the deep, DNA programming in my true core that says, "you want that, go get it."  As much as I try to make high-ended arguments for the merit of explicit imagery, most of it boils down to that truth of core desire.

Leila - 091610-2

For me, I don't want to see the open-legged shot first.  I want to build to it.  I don't want the shock of just seeing it first and being done with it.  The slow visual foreplay helps build the stage to seeing the ultimate beauty of the moment.  Without that buildup, the image or moment has no more sensual meaning than the drawing from Gray's Anatomy.

I've read criticism that the crotch shot objectifies the woman down to only being a vagina.    As an artist, I agree with that line of thought, especially if that is all you see of the woman.  As a mostly heterosexual man, I see that objectified body part, but I also see it as one of the ways into a woman.  Obviously there is the literal opening into her.  That should go without saying.  The more profound opening is the personal, representational opening of sexual pleasure into a woman's life.  I know there are many other physical erogenous areas to the woman's body, but let's be honest, this is probably the most obvious one.  By my getting to know that and all of her body, her pleasures, her special spots, along with the intangible things like music, food, words, imagery, etc., that get her sexually aroused, I am a better lover which is rewarding for both of us.  But getting back to the first part, is the crotch shot objectifying, my artistic answer involves lengthy discussions on intent, theme, etc.  For my base male answer, yes.   It is objectifying and it is my heterosexual nature to not only look, but look again and to maybe even be aroused by it.

Leila 091610 - 3

Even after having the pleasure and honor of enjoying this place on real women who shared themselves with me, that base desire is always still there.  It is just stronger since I know how it feels when I caress it, taste it, and we make love.  The visual images of it now represent all those shared sensation of sex.

I've looked at gay graphic images and notice the same trend.  While those photos don't float my boat like explicit female photos, the details are very similar.  These photos show models with flacid, semi, and fully erect penises.  Some are touching themselves, others have no hands in sight.  The testes and anuses are sometimes visible as well.  These explicit images must work for gay and bisexual men (and probably a few women as well, but I will not speak for them).  Even though procreation is impossible, the basic instinct of arousal is there.   The only difference is the gender of the subject matter


Most of hardcore porn, whether with heterosexuals, lesbians, or gay men, includes many "two fer" crotch shots.  You see both partners naughty bits up close and in action (very different than inaction).  They are reduced down to the most basic and base aspect of sex, the part that usually leads to the orgasm.  You now have objectified both partners.  You have deconstructed the whole human sexuality to one specific moment, the core essence of it all.

Leila 091610 - 4

This manly desire, whether gay or straight, for seeing graphic representations of the **woman's or ***man's primary genitalia  is innate for most sexually active men.  It is a part of our DNA, our core essence.  It feeds and inflames our masturbatory hunger as well.  As with almost all behaviors, learned or native, they can be encouraged, shaped, changed, or even put into remission with lots of behavioral modification.  My final question then is, should that instinct be left alone, altered, enlightened, or eradicated?


*Which is not the same as the money shot.  That is worth writing another post in the future.
 ** That sounds about as sexy as the Gray's Anatomy drawing looks, so lets call it a pussy, kitty, or whatever term you find to your liking.  I will not call it a cunt because that word is so charged with venom these days that it is disservice to use it.
*** Use whichever term you like: dick, cock, penis, etc.  I personally don't like the term pecker, but to each their own.  Interesting how there is not another term for it that is as offensive as cunt.

Photo note- Thanks Leila.  I chose my photos of her because I too them pre - 2009 and the 2257 regs don't haunt them as much.


*The title comes from the genetic chromosomes that determine male physical gender, XY.  (Women have XX chromosomes to identify physical gender.)  The chromosomes got their name by their shapes. 

Be Big - Greed and Success

"Greed is good." Promotional photo from the movie Wallstreet

"Greed is right. Greed works. Greed clarifies, cuts through, and captures the essence of the evolutionary spirit. Greed, in all of its forms—greed for life, for money, for love, knowledge—has marked the upward surge of mankind." - Gordon Gekko - Wallstreet

During this economic super recession, depression... what ever the hell it is, I am reflecting on the greed that got us into this mess.  Many still want the old life and forget that our greed is what got us into this mess.  The big investment bankers still deny they were the engine that brought this on.  We still feel greed and need as our primary source of self worth.  How does this play into the definition of the modern man?  For me, it actually goes to the most basic instinct of men, to survive and do better.  The challenge for the modern man is to determine what true success is.  Is it just having the most  awesome stuff?




The commercial with Anthony Hopkins was made in the mid-2000's when big was everything.  It reminds me of the character Gorden Gekko's speech on greed from the movie Wall Street.  Both sum up our motivations then... and now.




I was caught up in that mentality.  I wanted more, more, more.  I have a garage full of stuff that I uselessly accumulated over those years because I felt it reflected my success.  I am currently going through the stuff to figure out what to do with it.  Some of it I do enjoy, but most are gathering dust.  What lessons can I learn from the stuff I bought?

Most of the stuff I bought I used once or twice and then set aside.  The flash and wonder of it wore off fast.  I have a really cool tent that I knew would make camping perfect.  I used it once and haven't since.  There are many other things like that.  The idea of them was better than the actual product.  I got seduced ( or suckered) by the allure of what that product could do for me. 

Some of the stuff I used quite a bit on special projects or interests, for example all the tools I bought while restoring my truck and all the darkroom equipment I used back when I shot black and white film.  That stuff is gathering dust, but I enjoyed their use when I needed them.

The last bits of stuff are things I use constantly and really enjoy.  My digital camera, the new iMac, my cross country skis.  These are things that truly bring me joy to have.  So, what makes these things different than the other stuff listed above, especially the things that I only used once and forgot about?

It all comes down to the intent of my purchase.  The stuff I got that is gathering the most dust came from my need to show my success.  I wanted those things as status symbols, not what they were actually to be used for.  Once I found that I didn't really like tennis, the expensive tennis racket that was the best on the court was useless.  Why didn't I get a cheap one and learn on it first?  I wanted people to see I was serious about tennis and I had the best equipment for it.

The camera was something I didn't buy because everyone else had one and I needed it as a status symbol.  I bought it to make art, not just art, but MY art. The same is true for my iMac.  I got the cross country skis because I've done that since childhood and it is one of the simplest pleasures I know.  It brings me peace.

As a man (and probably as a human) I want success.  I want recognition.  I want people to say, "Wow Karl, that is really something special."  What I have learned from sorting out all my stuff is that I need to change what success is.  It no longer is, "Wow Karl, that tennis racket is something special."  I don't want to be remembered as having a special toy.  I want to people to say, "Wow Karl, that photo is important, beautiful (insert adjective of choice here)."  I want what I do to be what I am judged by, not what I have.

With all that grandiose, self-actualized bull shit I just wrote out there, I have to add one caveat that I have to throw into the mix.  In a hundred years, there will be all new people.  None of them are going to remember or care who I was.  After recognizing that, true success for me then is not what I own, but that I enjoy doing right now and get the most meaning from.   I hope more men realize that by having a cool toy, they are not cooler.  It is the enjoyment and purpose for the toy that makes it worth anything.