Real Men in photos or words - don't have performance issues

The Piano Player - Coney Island - June 2010

This is a new standard feature to HMR, Real Men...  In this reoccurring series, HMR explores the definition of Real Men.  Today, I want to explore real men who are not afraid of showing who they are in public.

There are many cliches about real men and their challenges.  One of the subtler challenges a man faces is belief in self.   They may develop performance issues if this doubt grows too big.  You may think I am writing about bedroom problems, which this could be part of, but I am looking at something beyond sex, beyond love.  I am writing about belief and faith in self.

To be a real man, you have to know what you know and can do and also know your limitations.  Almost every great man (and woman) know they have something special and have the confidence to go through with it.  This self confidence may be to take on a new job, release a new song, approach an enemy, say "I love you." or to just play a piano in public to a beauty sitting beside you.

We all have some things we are good at and others want to see.  I salute those who have the confidence to share that ability with others and not give in to the fear that they will fail.  Who cares if you miss a note or two, you still played your heart out and lived in the moment.  By doing that, you showed you are a man living in the present and are not afraid what others think.  You don't just think about it, you did it.

Photo note - This photo is from Coney Island, New York.  The great city of New York sponsored an art installation piece by Luke Jerram called, "Play me, I'm yours."

Presented in NYC with Sing for Hope, 60 pianos were installed in public parks, streets and plazas in June 2010. Like a creative blank canvas, the pianos were there for any member of the public to play and engage with.  Streetpianos.com

This guy playing came over with sheet music, sat down, and played for the beauty to his left for half an hour.   Now that is a real man.

Masculinity - the inverse of feminity?

On Duty

A man’s evolution can only happen when he begins to cultivate a true sense of masculinity that is related to who he is as an individual. Reinventing the masculine identity is not making yourself more feminine; rather, it is striving to become you.  Viewing yourself in an inverse relationship with femininity will not change a thing. [Emphasis Mine] Alec A @ http://thefbomb.org/2010/10/redefining-masculinity/

I really dislike generalizations and stereotypes.  Most of us recognize generalizations paint too wide a picture and inhibit understanding of the individual or group being generalized.  While, once in a while, they are handy as a basic survival tool, we get trapped in them.  One of the traps is the us/them, right wrong aspects of them.  Generalizations often assume opposites are the truth and nothing can exist in the middle.

"Men are the opposite of women." 
"Men are from Mars... " 
"All that guys want is sex." 
"She must be part guy because of how she goes for sex."* 
"Unless it is a competition, men wont care." 

Men are not entirely the opposite of women.  We are all multi-dimensional universes with each direction having its own spectrum of behavior.  Many of these dimensions have nothing to do with gender.  It is our place on each dimension spectrum that defines who we are.  As a man, some of those are gender based and they make me who I am.  I am not the opposite of women, nor the same.  I am Karl and I am the man I am and there are none exactly like me.
 
* A woman told me this about her friend and colleague who is married, has an open relationship, and told her she has made out with a few colleagues.  

Perchance... it was more than just a dream.

Valya - 102410

To sleep, perchance to dream. - Hamlet

Perchance... it was more than just a dream. - my occasional wish.

Have you ever had one of those sexy dreams that felt so real that it affected how you felt upon waking up and how you thought through the day?  Ok, here is a twist.  Have you had one of those powerful sexy dreams of a coworker, colleague, friend, or someone who you saw the next day?  How did that make you feel?  Did it change how you acted around him/her?  Did they know?  Was it something more than just a dream?

My friend UL has been exploring dreams over at her great blog, What We Saw Today (WWST).  This morning she wrote about erotic dreams and the effects all dreams can have on our conscious life and help us see connections, relations and answers.   I wonder about the same thing with erotic dreams starring people we have platonic or professional relationships with.

I've written quite a bit about the nightmares and horror dreams I get most nights over at The Photo Fermata.  Those dreams are a huge part of who and how I am, but I also have good dreams, powerful dreams, and sexy dreams.  Those breaks from horror are better than a fine dessert.

Last month I had a dream with "Jill" in it (I actually know no one with that name, so it is a safe replacement).  Jill and I've worked together for a few years.  I've always found her attractive and fun to be around, but never really had any conscious erotic thoughts about her.  In my dream we were walking in the city in the rain, holding hands and being silent.  She took me to her apartment (funny thing since she has a home thirty miles from the city, but I appreciate how dreams make things convenient) and we then...   Well, that can live in my mind and my dreams.  It is not that I am prude or afraid of sharing something sexy, personal, or want to avoid bragging.  I withhold the details because to type them out tends to take the mystery, magic and emotion out of them.


In the dream, the details were so real, the senses very alive, and the moment so burned into my mind.  I can still feel the touches, the fabric of her clothes, and the recall the details in such depth even after a month.  Imagine how I felt waking up from that last dream of the night.  I was floating out of that into the dark, cold reality of my morning ritual.  Once I showered and shaved, the freshness of the dream had worn off and my mind drifted onto work, bills, feeding my dogs, and finding car keys.


I had a meeting at 10am and sat at the table getting my notes in order.  Jill walked in and sat opposite of me and said her usual good morning salutations.  I looked up and my mind instantly filled with both the sight and the feeling of her skin with mine.  I had to blink a few times and try to get back on task.  Neither of us had a major part in the meeting, so I had time to reflect on the dream.  Even though my logical awake mind knew that nothing real had happened between us, I felt this connection with her that was raw, fresh, and made me feel connected with her.  My subconscious mind was feeling something that my conscious mind repudiated.

The challenge with my subconscious mind is that my it pushes its will crudely and broadly with great force.  It holds the lust, fear, passion, joy, and other basic emotions and pushes them through like a bulldozer.  It is not subtle.  It has chemical properties, like hormones, pheromones, and other biological emotional concoctions working for it to plow reason to the side.  It takes a long time to put this basic, carnal process back into its box.  All through the meeting my base mind thought of what we had shared.  My logical mind kept reminding me, "IT WAS A DREAM!"


Jill stopped by my office later in the morning.   My base brain felt like we had shared something very intimate, but the dissonance of the real interaction vs. the one from the dream was breaking down the illusion.  I started to feel awkward and embarrassed.  One little part of my brain had to ask, "Can she tell I had that dream?  Is it written all over my face?"  It felt similar to when you get caught in the middle of a lustful gaze by the subject of the moment.


I managed to keep all these emotions under control and we chatted about a project.  When Jill left, she looked back and smiled in a way I had never seen before.  Did she know?  Did she notice something different about how I acted toward her?  Was I giving off some unconscious clues as to my dreamed carnal pleasures?  Had she shared the same dream the night before?  I guess my question became, was it a powerful sign from the universe? or as Freud said, "sometimes a cigar is just a cigar."


Photo note:  Valya is a true model, muse and artist.  You can see more of our work here. Warning:  Some of the photos are very hard to look at due to dark content.

You can debate the artistic validity of the photo above and whether it is art, porn, both, or neither.  One of the things I like about having this blog is that it explores my id instead of letting my ego and super ego control it.  I can post things I wouldn't on my other blog.

Fun way to live life

The woman in the shower adds the cherry on top of this great ad.

X Why? - Why are men pigs*?

This week, we are looking at that age old question, why are men pigs?  That question has so many layers and avenues.  It is like asking,"How do you perceive time?"  It is very personal, deep, multi-themed, and sometimes, contradictory.

This convoluted question needs to be clarified with another question, what type of "piggish" behavior are you asking about?  Do you mean living in a pigsty?  Are you asking about man's desire to be piggish and wanting everything?  Are you wondering about men's gross behaviors like farting on each other and pull-my-finger jokes?  Do you question why men crave certain deviant sexual needs?  Is your question going into a completely different way?


Men have so many piggish behaviors that I can't answer them simply.  It would be to easy to recite the fable of the scorpion and the frog and blame man's nasty ways on human nature. 

A scorpion was at the bank of a mighty river and wanted to cross it, but couldn't since he was unable to swim.  He saw a frog who is about to swim across and asked, "Frog, may I ride across the river on your back?"


The frog filled with shock and fear said, "No, you are a scorpion and you will sting me while we cross.


The scorpion replied, "That would be suicide since if I stung you while crossing we would be both drown."


The frog thought about that and then reluctantly agreed to carry the scorpion across.  While in the middle the deepest and fastest flowing part of the river, the scorpion delivered a fatal sting to the frog.   As the they start to sink, the stricken frog asked, "Scorpion, why did you sting me for now we both will die."

The scorpion sadly replied "Because, it is my nature to sting.  I am sorry."

That fable is too simple to answer all the questions about man's bad behaviors yet maybe there is a kernel of truth in it.  It is in our nature to do these things.  The important thing to acknowledge though is that while all men have some form of piggish behavior, we don't all have the same piggish behaviors.

In the future, X-Why? will try to answer the why men exhibit various types of bad behavior.  For today, let us focus on one bad behavior that is still too complicated to simply answer, but hopefully can illuminate - Why do men sexually harass unknown women on the road?

This question came from Ann.  Ann is a professor at a local university.  She commutes forty miles per day to get to work.  In her five years since starting there, she has had three uncomfortable vehicular encounters with men while driving down I -80.

During her first encounter, she was driving along when a guy pulled even with her car, matching her speed, and kept staring at her.  She tried speeding up, but he matched her speed again.  She slowed down and so did he.  She changed lanes and he dropped in behind her.  Finally, she quickly took an exit at the last second and he was not able to follow her.

On her second encounter, a guy pulled along side her and holds a sign in his window.  It read, "Call me!  My number is XXX-XXX-XXXX"  He followed along for a bit then took an early exit.

The third encounter happened just last week.  She was driving along and this guy pulls along side of her and holds  up a sign, "Excuse me, just looking...".  He then took down the first sign and put up a second one, "... for an exhibitionist."  At this time, he lifted up his bare leg way high and smiled at her.

All three stories are creepy and the men were pigs.  As stated earlier, this is not a piggish behavior of all men and can't be attributed to all of us, but it was still wrong.  The exhibitionist/stalking nature of these acts are obviously wrong, but that is not the sole reason for their badness.  It is also their intimidation and forceful ways while doing it in a way that they have a quick escape. 

The third guy had a silver pickup, but had removed all badges and brand names from it.  It had no front license plate.  The only way to identify it was the rear plate, which he made sure she never saw.  The second guy, while the least offensive, sped away when she sneered and flipped him off.  (Kind of dumb to give a number to track you by).  The first guy was especially scary since he stalked to intimidate her.  He had a fast car and she was in a slow Toyota.  He knew he could use that as a tool in his perversion as well.

This need to be able to remain anonymous while boldly stating what they want shows these men had desires they could not fulfill through healthy avenues.  These desires may have been based out of  sexual, power-based, and/or fear motivations.  All three wanted to use surprise and intimidation as their shock tool and then wanted to see the reaction of the victim. 

Many social scientists state that rape and sexual intimidation are not sex based.  These behaviors are based in power, domination and control issues.  The sexual aspects are purely the ends to the mean, not the purpose it self.  I disagree.  I think it has a strong sexual component where this is the way they get their sexual kink satisfied.  They can't feel arousal through other means and this is their avenue to sexual satisfaction.  I don't discount the other motivations of domination and power projection.  All of these things combine into a complex and sick concoction of a hateful crime. (On a side note, I wonder why social scientists try to remove the sexual motivations of rape.  Is it to protect the identity of sex?)

So, why do men stalk women on the road?  It is their unhealthy sexual need that mixes surprise, intimidation, and shock to scratch their primal itch.  It is a deep-seeded instinct that needs attention and they are genetically programmed and culturally encouraged to use this method to get their needs met.  I am guessing they have some basic belief that this system of approach will work and the woman will eventually acquiesce to their desires.  At the very least, the fear and shock of the victim is stimulation enough to give them the sexual and physical satisfaction they need.   I am disgusted by these type of men since they reward their problems and inflict fear through cowardly and indirect ways (No.  I am not condoning active/direct sexual harm and violence.  I am stating they are cowards for not approaching their sexual needs in a positive and healthy way or getting help for their issues.).  Sadly, that level of involvement will not be enough in the future and they will probably escalate to darker methods.

This progression of sexual behaviors is a common part of male identity**.  At first, we dream of our first kiss.  After that, our first touch fills our desires.  We continually want more and deeper experiences as our sexuality matures.  In healthy men this continued desire for new and deeper sexual enjoyment is healthy and good for all involved.  In sexual predators, it is a disease and needs to be confronted and treated.  I have no problem with life-long incarceration if the treatment does not work.

I highly recommend to anyone who has been the victim of any type of intimidation to report the incident to the police.   These men are dangerous and you deserve your legal protection from them. 

*My first question wonders why we have to implicate the poor pig in this?  Pigs are intelligent and much less complex and disgusting than men.  I guess humans love assigning relationships to all behaviors, so the pig must suffer for it.

** ... and will be written about here, ad nauseum.

X Why? - Why do men jump up to touch things?

*"X Why?" is a new feature at HMR.  It will be a reoccurring column on why men do things.   These answers can range from actions, behaviors, desires, beliefs, and needs.  Most of these answers will come from half-assed, or better, research, specialists, the writer's opinion, and hopefully a little humor (but not afraid to tackle the serious ones as well).  HMR encourages readers to contribute questions and answers to the age-old question - Why do men...?

Today's question - Why do men have to jump up and touch signs, awnings, and other high up objects while walking down the sidewalk?

Very good question.  I do it.  My 75 year old dad does it.  My friend Jim is really good at it.  I have a few theories on this vertical need.

1.  To see if he can do it.   That is probably the best reason.  Guys need to test themselves regularly in physical and mental ways.  These experiments test to check ability, improvement, maintenance, or decline in performances in this skill.  It may be some evolutionary trait we can't suppress because we never know when we may need to jump up and get something out of survival needs.  I have used this ability many times to rescue helium balloons from going into ceiling fans.

2.  To impress friends, family and love interests.  I remember when I discovered I was able to lift heavier things than my dad and my brother, run faster than my friends, and reach higher store awnings than most people.  Being 6'4" really helps with the last one.  My friend Jim, at 5'10" has a higher vertical jump than me, but I can still reach higher up the awning.  As for impressing love interests, what lover doesn't appreciate a guy who can reach "way up there".  If he is good at that, then he must be really good at...

3.  To experience the object.  Babies need to stick things in their mouths to understand them.  Men have to touch them.  This need to touch things includes needing to jump way up and touch the object, even if only for a brief moment.  I truly appreciate the beauty of a store awning by feeling its canvas texture, temperature, and density as my hand slaps it for a brief moment.  I can even tell you what color it is by doing that.   Why do you think men love to caress those they love?

Women, I encourage you to try and do this the next time you walk down the street and see something up there, jump up and touch it.  You may discover the beauty of this simple act.  You will also greatly confuse any men watching you.  Gender transgressions are great for the psyche.

*The title comes from the genetic chromosomes that determine male physical gender, XY.  (Women have XX chromosomes to identify physical gender.)  The chromosomes got their name by their shapes.

WARNING - Dangerous Scam Photographer - WARNING

My friend and model, Valya, told me of a model/photographer horror story during our shoot.  She had recently worked with a guy who stole money from her, refused to pay her, and also touched her inappropriately at the end of the shoot.  She reported him to Model Mayhem, the FBI, and other agencies.

Today, Valya posted at her blog that the creep has popped up again and is seeking models in the Virginia and Washington DC area.  He uses various aliases.  At the bottom of this post is the information that he is using for his solicitations.  Please visit her blog (link here) for her contact information if you have any questions about this.

Every model I've worked with has been a gift, and Valya stands with the best of them.  She is a true professional who brought her "A+" game to our session.   She is also a genuinely nice person.   It angers me that someone did this to her and many other models as well.

Our community of photographers and models is special and we look out for each other. PLEASE CONTACT THE FBI IF YOU HAVE ANY INFORMATION ABOUT THIS GUY.

Below is the text I copied from Valya's blog.
Please be aware of this man who victimizes females who model nude:

his emails:
peekture.taker@gmail.com
fotovisionz@gmail.com
fokusfoto@gmail.com
cgarbiano@verizon.net
female.photographer@gmail.com
(last two emails he is pretending to be a female photographer named Jami or Carol, and/or it's a female accomplice)

his cell #'s:
804-435-5090
804-247-2801   

some previous aliases:
Jim Hines
Jay Hanes
John
Carol Garbiano
Jami
Fokus Foto
FokusFoto
PeektureTaker (his recent myspace handle, prior to which it was fokusfoto)

Please pass this on and and feel free to contact me if you would like more information.
Stay safe,
Valya

Thanks to all.  Treat each other well and be careful.

Who gets past the feminist bouncers?

Hear Me Roar (HMR) focuses on men, masculinity, masculism, and the role, identity, rights, and perception of men in society.  This focus on the masculine gender is fine, but HMR must also take time to look at feminism and the role, identity, rights, and perception of women in society.

Recently resigned Alaska gov Sarah Palin publicly proclaimed her feminism.  Many in the political world wondered what that meant.  Can someone as conservative as Palin be a feminist?

This question of who gets to self-proclaim as feminist was posed to a number of feminist writers and theorists at Slate.com.  The responses are interesting.  Some agree that Palin can claim the identity, others argue against it for various reasons.  The first argument against is that while Palin is a product of feminism, she has done nothing to promote feminist causes.  The second draws an even harder line in the sand, Palin's hard pro-life/anti-choice/anti-abortion stand absolutely keeps her out of the group.  I highly recommend you read the article. 

So, what is HMR's stand on a feminist litmus test?  Undecided.  HMR has concerns about exclusive clubs that openly discriminate, even to those sympathetic to the group's causes but with differing ideas or backgrounds.  On the other hand, no group should allow someone in who will actively and purposefully damage the group and the cause.  My questions for any group are:

• How do you handle differing opinions from group members?  
• Do you listen to them, but do nothing about them?  
• Do you placate or cave in to them?  
• Do you toss them out of the group?
• Which individuals or groups are definitely persona non grata?

As for Palin's desire to take on the identity of feminist - check her motives.   HMR believes she intends to mock, damage, belittle, and reduce the importance of the movement.  The feminist movement is in a mine field with this one.  If they accept her, how do they control her?  If they refute her, how will the group's identity change after rejecting a woman of power from membership?  Good luck.

On a side note, HMR supports the core feminist values and causes.  As with all groups, fringe interests arise that test support both within and outside of the group.  That is worth many more blog posts.

Interesting Twists in Statistics.

Aren't we all the standard deviation?

INTRODUCTION
I work in a scientific field.  Statistics are the text that make up the scientific bible.  It tells us in numbers, shared definitions, charts, and other agreed methods, the meaning (if any) of the questions we asked.  The data is the data.  It is as good as the planning and set up of collecting, processing and interpreting it.  If the study design is faulty, the data will be too.  If the study design is robust, the data will be too.  The key point to remember with stats, don't believe the numbers until you fully understand them.


In the hands of statisticians, scientists, mathematicians and other experienced statistics users, the data can be used and explored with the hope of truth and accuracy.  Once that data escapes to people with agendas, it can be spun and give stories that are exaggerations or lies.  My interest in this comes from two recent interactions with "stats."  The first is in relationship to violent crime and the second to the amount of orgasms women have during anal sex (the two stats were not presented as related and are from completely different discussions.) 


PART 1

I was talking to someone from the old country, Montana.  They had heard some statistic stating more rapes and murders occur in California and New York than all other states.  I instantly felt my statistical shenanigans hackles rise.  I asked where they got this number.  From a conservative talk show host implicating that the blue states have more crime.  I then asked how did they report the numbers.  Did they give specific data?  The shared data was total numbers of murders and rapes for each state.   That right there triggered the full stat shenanigans alarm.

I asked the Montanan:
How many people live in the US?  It is estimated around 310,000,000.
How many people live in California and New York? ~37,000,000 and ~19,500,000 = 56,500,000
After doing some math  56.5M / 310M X 100 = 18.2% of all Americans live in California or New York.  That means almost 1 in 5 Americans live in one of those two states.  For California alone, 1 in 8 Americans are Californian.
I then had to ask, wouldn't that mean about 1/5 of all murders and rapes in the USA occur in either of those states?  That one stumped the Montanan for a moment and they reluctantly agreed.

After the chat ended I had to look up some data.  I went to the FBI crime statistics website that breaks down crime types for each state.  I looked at the 2009 numbers for both Montana and California.

California - 1,972 murders, 8713 forcible rapes reported
Montana - 28 murders, 294 forcible rapes reported. Total Montana Population ~975,000

I ran the numbers and determined the incidence rates for both states per 100,000 people.

In California there were 5.3 murders and 240 reported rapes per 100,000 citizens in 2009.
In Montana there were 2.8 murders and 300 reported rapes per 100,000 citizens in 2009.   

If you look at that data, California had almost twice as many murders as Montana per 100,000 people.  Montana had 20% more reported rapes than California per 100,000 people.  Even with that data, it is hard to make assumptions as to why the crime rates varied between the two states so much.  We can theorize on it and do more studies to test the theories, but those numbers alone only tell us the totals, not the causes.  We can also argue about the validity of the totals reported.  The number of murders is a pretty objective number since it is based on the total number of bodies found that were the result of murder.  Ever since rape statistics have been collected, statisticians have known the actual number of rapes compared to the number reported are way off.  That nugget right there can throw speculations out the window.  We could look into estimates of under reporting of rape for each state and ask why so few rape victims file reports.  There are so many questions for criminologists, psychologists, and sociologists to explore.

PART 2

I was visiting one of my favorite websites, Slate.com.  I read the following headline, The Ass Man Cometh: Experimentation, orgasms, and the rise of anal sex. written by William Saletan and was drawn into the article.  The article reports results from a recent national survey published in the latest issue of the Journal of Sexual Medicine.


As the Slate article states, the survey ...

... clarifies the prevalence of gay sex, teenage intercourse, and oral gratification. But the big story is the increase in anal sex reported by women—and its possible connection to female orgasms.

In the article, the survey found a increases in the number of women in all age groups who report having anal sex ever and in the past year over the numbers reported in 1992.  The shocking news came from comparing the amount of women who achieved orgasm through various methods.

Among women who had vaginal sex in their last encounter, the percentage who said they reached orgasm was 65. Among those who received oral sex, it was 81. But among those who had anal sex, it was 94. Anal sex outscored cunnilingus.

Is there some new erogenous zone being discovered through anal sex with women?  How can this be?  What would Freud think since he believed clitoral stimulated orgasms were "immature" and inferior to vaginal stimulated orgasms?


Saletan postulated on this and suggested an interesting possibility.

Here's my guess. Look carefully at Table 4, Pages 355-6. Only 6 percent of women who had anal sex in their last encounter did so in isolation. Eighty-six percent also had vaginal sex. Seventy-two percent also received oral sex. Thirty-one percent also had partnered masturbation. And the more sex acts a woman engaged in during the encounter, the more likely she was to report orgasm. These other activities are what gave the women their orgasms. The anal sex just came along for the ride.

So why did the inclusion of anal sex bump the orgasm figure up to 94 percent? It didn't. The causality runs the other way. Women who were getting what they wanted were more likely to indulge their partners' wishes. It wasn't the anal sex that caused the orgasms. It was the orgasms that caused the anal sex.

CONCLUSION

Both of these statistical examples illustrate the power and dangers of statistics.  Like drugs, porn, and other things that are used for various purposes, they are neither good or bad.  It is the use, purpose, and end results that can make them good or bad.  Whether we use overly simplified crime stats for political gain or over-generalized sex stats to try and convince someone into trying anal sex, the temptation to corrupt the data through message manipulation and selected number sampling is great.  Do not believe statistics until you fully understand what and how they measured the desired questions.


POSTLUDE
What does this have to do with masculinity?  As with all statistics, the temptation to create sweeping generalizations are great.  When it deals with details on sex, sexual practices, and other sexual points of interest, it affects us all.  We need to know the truth about data before we take the interpretations from them as truth.  Sometimes the interpretations are lies and need to be debated and debunked.  Other times, they are a pleasant or painful truth we need to face.  Either way, don't swallow the kool-aid until you have read all the ingredients.


On a lighter second note - As a sexual male, it is titillating to read this stuff and figure out where I fit into the data. I am ahead of the curve for some parts and behind on others.  Time to have fun.

Stud vs. Creep vs. Slut: The challenges of being a sexual male in our age.

I read a great editorial at Alternet.org titled, Why Do We Demonize Men Who are Honest about Their Sexual Needs? by Clarisse Thorn  It is one feminist's view on the dangerous corner men are being put into that is full of double standards and unwarranted limitations.  It is the first blatantly open writing I have read from a feminist that explains many of the challenges the modern sexual male faces.  Please read her article before reading the rest of this post.

So how can a man express his sexual needs without being tarred as a creep? After all, the point of promoting sex-positive attitudes is for everyone to be able to be open about their needs and desires, right? [Emphasis mine]

First, I know most of all sexual crimes are perpetrated by men.
Second, I acknowledge the male gaze heavily dominates our pop culture.
Third, I acknowledge and respect the continued struggle for equality and respect of women.

With those disclaimers out there, I have to now share a rant.  As a middle-aged, upper middle-class, heterosexual white male, I am in a group that is easy to dislike, disparage, and disenfranchise.  Much of this comes from the sins of my forefathers who did the same to almost all other groups.  With that historical baggage, many distrust the motives, intentions, and value of what I offer.  This is especially true when discussing sexual desires, needs, and attractions.  If I say I prefer tall, skinny, blond bombshells with pert tushes and big breasts (not actually my preference)*, I can be labeled as a racist, misogynist who perpetuates the dangerous stereotypical ideal that encourages eating disorders and the oppression of alternative looks.   If I share nothing about my preferences I never get what I seek and am accused of not sharing my feelings.  If I share my desires, I am judged on them.

Preferences are things we prefer.  They may be narrow or broad.  They may limit our experiences or make them overly abundant.  I made up a term and call myself a "terravore".  That means I only eat food that comes from above water.  That preference limits me, but it is what I prefer.  I don't like dramatic musicals like Phantom of the Opera.  I prefer musical comedies.  I prefer the music of Dire Straits to the solo works of Mark Knopfler.  If I say I prefer* short, dark-haired Latina women, I am not saying I want to harm all other women and oppress them.  It is just my personal taste and preference in what I find attractive and desirable.  I do not judge poorly others who have different preferences than mine, to each their own.

The pressure put on men to be initiators, yet avoid seeming creepy or aggressive leads to an unpleasant double bind. After all, the same gross cultural pressures that make women into objects force men into instigators; how many women do you know who proposed to their husbands?

It is tough to be an alpha male in our culture, especially in regards to sex and desire. If a man takes the lead, he is an oppressor.  If he doesn't, he is a wimp and is disregarded.

We feminists often say that men's promiscuity is lauded while women's is stigmatized, and one point of this argument is purely linguistic: "stud" is a complimentary word for a promiscuous man, while "slut" is a hurtful word for a promiscuous woman.


The stud vs. slut dichotomy is worth discussing, but it has one flaw: it entirely ignores the word "creep," whose function appears to be restricting male sexuality to a limited, contradictory set of behaviors. [Emphasis mine]

So how can a man express his sexual needs without being tarred as a creep? After all, the point of promoting sex-positive attitudes is for everyone to be able to be open about their needs and desires, right?

As I have mentioned before, I am not my forefathers.  I am not trying to repress your sexuality.  How can I express mine if it is seen as wrong and "creepy"?  The actual content of my desires may be creepy, but the act of expressing it shouldn't be.

Men are under so much pressure to get busy all the time that even when they're having sex, their own pleasure may be less central than meeting the stereotype of how dudes are supposed to get laid. For some men, the stereotypes do kinda represent their desires; for some, the stereotypes don't work at all.

That is the double standard.  There are stereotypes of men that do not apply to all men.  If my desires do not fit into the stereotypical guy's desires, I am labeled as a creep.  Being labeled a "creep" is far worse than a "stud",  "Lothario", "womanizer", etc.  Creeps are in the same group, or a notch above pedophiles in popular culture.  As Thorn writes, " Men are supposed to be insatiable only within those bounds. Men who step outside them -- for example, heterosexual men who are attracted to curvier women, or who like being pegged with a dildo in the butt -- are either mocked or viewed with anxious suspicion."  If women, homosexuals, and other non heterosexual males can explore different sexual avenues of pleasure openly, why can't heterosexual males?

Like most people, men want sex, and that's not a bad thing. Like everyone, men deserve to feel as though their sexuality is hot, awesome, delicious, valuable, and can be pleasurable for all parties in a consensual situation. Just as women shouldn't have to feel exploited when they have consensual sex, men shouldn't have to feel like they're exploiting someone when they have consensual sex. Just as more and more space is being made for forthright discussion of female sexuality, more and more space should be made for forthright discussion of male sexuality.

It's also incumbent upon us to honor each others' boundaries. But this is not a question of limiting or repressing male sexuality, and it shouldn't be framed that way. It should be framed entirely as a question of consent, communication and respect.

AMEN

* I will not share my preferences in beauty and attraction.  It evolves and I don't want to be pinned down.  Being a male, even that declaration makes me sound like an opportunist who wants what ever tickles my momentary fancy.  That is actually far from the truth.