Getting your ass kicked

Every fuckin’ beatin’ I’m grateful for. Every fuckin’ one of them. Get all the trust beat outta you. And you know what the fuckin’ world is.- Al Swearengen Deadwood (played by Ian McShane)

Have you ever been in the losing end of a fight?  Have you ever been punched in the face?  I don't approve of fighting for useless reasons, but I do believe it is both an unavoidable and important rite of passage in a man's life, similar to losing a parent.

I wrote a bit about my fighting history over at The Photo Fermata.  You can read the full account here.  
In the post about when I had to be on the losing side of fights.

My first memories of fighting violence are from the early 70's. I was in preschool- kindergarten. My dad worked for the Bureau of Indian Affairs as an engineer on irrigation systems. We were living in Lower Brule, South Dakota on an Indian reservation during the same time the American Indian Movement (AIM) was flaring up at the neighboring Pine Ridge Indian Reservation at Wounded Knee. Being the white kids of a government employee during this time was not easy. I am not going to write about the politics and the different sides of the issues. At four years old, my only side was keeping from getting beat up, and that was it.

On a regular basis, my brother and I were cornered and forced to fight or take a beating from a classmate or two. My brother is five years older than me. I learned a hard lesson. If I won the fight, I had to fight my opponents older brother or sister. At one point I had to learn when to take the beating over winning the fight. My brother had the same problems. He would jump in and protect me if I was way over-matched, but he had his own back to watch.

I learned a few things from taking a beating and getting punched in the face, the gut, and the balls.  The fear of these hits are in ways worse than the actual hit.  Before getting hit the first time, I feared I would break apart into pieces like glass.  After the hit, the kick, the punch, I learned that it hurt like hell, but I could still fight back and win.  I also learned that I would heal over time.  I learned who to fear, when to fear and when to give up.

I really wish some hard lessons in life weren't so hard, but unfortunately bad shit happens in life.  We fight, we hurt each other, we lose family members, and we eventually lose ourselves.

Below is a fight scene from Deadwood between Swearengen (Ian McShane) and Sheriff Bollock (Timothy Olymphant).  While it is very graphic, it shows how most fights end with both sides really hurting.  The makers of Deadwood were the best at showing the pummeling, bludgeoning, deep trauma of physical fights.  After watching one, you don't want to be in it.  The fight ends with both sides having secret weapons, a knife and a boy.

*X Why? - The Money Shot

Big Money  - Photo of video from Behind the Green Door - 1972

A money shot (also called a "money-making" shot) is a provocative, sensational, or memorable sequence in a film, on which the film's commercial performance is perceived to depend. [emphasis mine]

In Pornography:
A money shot has also been used as another name for a cum shot in pornographic films. The shot was so named because if a male actor could not provide this shot he would not be paid.  It has also been argued that this is the filmed moment the audience has paid to see.  According to Stephen Zitlow, author of The Film Maker's Guide to Pornography , "...the cum shot, or, as some refer to it, 'the money shot', is the most important element in the movie and that everything else (if necessary) should be sacrificed at its expense."
The degree of acceptance that the term has acquired in pop culture is problematic to estimate.[emphasis mine] - Wikipedia

Why is the culmination, the ultimate moment, the money shot the absolute must have in porn?  There is the physical obvious.  When a many cums, he needs to go through a full cycle before he is ready again, and that is assuming he can get ready again.  While that is the obvious, the allure and importance of the money shot goes beyond that.

To try to find reasons why the money shot has achieved its status, let us explore the actual event.  I've watched enough porn to be able to break down the money shot ending three ways (can be straight or gay):

1. The man pulls out of her vagina (or anus) and finishes near the location (backside or front).  The partner (male or female) still moves his/her hips in the sexual rhythm prior to the pull out.  The physical remnants of his orgasm are either played with by the partner or the scene fades away and the mess is forgotten.  
2. The man is getting a blow job or mammary stimulation (titty fuck in porn parlance) and releases on her/his mouth, face, neck, breasts, chest, etc.  
3. The man pulls out of the vagina or anus and both quickly move around so he can finish on her/his mouth, face, neck, breasts, chest, etc.

Within each of these three areas are many variations.  These variations are due to theme, attitude, and feel of the video.  In recent years, the themes of dominance, misogyny, and demeaning the woman are becoming more prevalent.  I believe that domination and abuse while finishing the money shot goes beyond the usual motivation and appreciation of the money shot.  It is more of a fetish, a dominance and power projection issue and less of a sexual one (which may be worth another post in the future).

According to a University of Sydney study, 70% of men and 30% of women admit to viewing online pornography.  With that in mind, the producers of porn are obviously going to create their products for the male gaze (although there are a number of porn and erotica producers, like Candida Royalle, that create material for female audiences.)  It then is easy to assume the money shot is intended for guys.  In femme-focused adult movies, they rarely, if ever, show a money shot.

So, what is the need of the money shot?  As stated above, it is the omega to the scene, but that doesn't answer why it has to be external.  I would guess it is because men are such visual consumers of erotic content, they have to see it to believe.  If they don't see the man ejaculate all over, it didn't happen.  In the past twenty years, more porn showing female ejaculation (squirting in porn parlance) has also grown popular.  This may be attributed to the same basic reason, by seeing it, we can believe she actually had an orgasm.  On a side note, the woman's ejaculation is rarely the money shot.  It usually is just a build up to the male money shot that ends the scene.

Another reason for the absolute importance of the money shot may be that many men can not handle the moments after orgasm, both in porn and in reality.  They want the end to be... the end.  Many men do not like dealing with life after the orgasm.  This is the time when the intimacy after post-intimacy begins.  This is the time when true emotions either are shared or hurried out the door.   Some men can't handle that post-moment moment.  There is an old saying, "Men don't pay prostitutes for sex, they pay them to leave afterward."  The same may also be true about the money shot.  Many men want the orgasm and not the afterward.


One reason that many men would not admit to about enjoying the money shot is its homoerotic nature.  In most porno movies the guy has a well hung cock that is swollen, sexy and perfect.  By watching the ejaculate flying out, it is a primal rush.  We are watching an alpha male with a big one and we admire it, envy it, and for some - desire it.  I think the comedian Ron White states it perfectly.



What about real life?  Yes, it can be sexy.  We have to remember though the reason for a money shot can be very different than why we may do it in our own sexual relations.  (That may be worth another entire post, but maybe not.)

Why is the money shot crucial?  To be honest, I think every male (and maybe female) viewer of porn has a different view and appreciation of it.  It may be just another way to say "The End" without words.  On the other hand, it could be a much deeper need for closure, arousal, fear, power, and other needs and emotions that make male sexuality a lot more complex than many think it is.


Photo note- During my recent trip to Las Vegas, I visited The Erotic Heritage Museum.  It is a great sex-positive museum with a pretty decent academic/artistic push in it.  It will have something to arouse everyone and a few things that will disgust anyone.  I highly recommend taking the side trip to it.  One of the best treats is they let patrons take photos of the exhibits.  You will see more of my photos in future posts.

They have an oval shaped room that shows pornographic movies from all the decades, including one from the beginning of the last century.  You sit on these overstuffed,plush benches in the middle and are surrounded by moving porn of the ages.  I started taking photos of the various movies and got the one above.  It is from the San Francisco cult classic, Behind the Green Door.  I knew as soon as I started this post I wanted this image at the top.


*The title comes from the genetic chromosomes that determine male physical gender, XY.  (Women have XX chromosomes to identify physical gender.)  The chromosomes got their name by their shapes.

Don't always say you are sorry.

Ok, this one isn't directed toward just men.  It applies to everyone.  Why do we over apologize?  We say"I'm sorry" to just about anything.  I am guilty of it as well.  While talking about guilt, do we continually offer these weak apologies because of some sense of guilt or shame that we assume it is our fault?  Is it a sense of feeling weak when some one is dominant over us?

I understand the awkward "I'm sorry" that happens at funerals or during times of disaster.  Sometimes we don't know anything better to say at those awful moments.

It is these little apologies that are said when no blame has been offered up or needs to be acknowledged.  These little apologies weaken the value of genuine contrition that is needed these days.

I hereby vow that I will apologize for what I have done wrong and needs to be made right.  I will not apologize for others and will stop giving out the weak ones that have no real purpose or meaning.

*X Why? What is it about the crotch shot?

Leila 091610 - 1

Why is the crotch shot so well loved, and loved on, by men?  Many of us spend hours a day looking at photos and movies of them on the internet.  Before the internet, we would rent videos with them.  Millions of magazines sell the *crotch shot.  There is an allure to the crotch shot for men, or at least this man.

I, and other bloggers, have written extensively on the artistic value of the crotch shot.  Please read the content at these links for those points.  I am not writing about that today.   I am more interested in why most men, including me, have such a fascination with this type of explicit photo. (Link1 - Photo Fermata) (Link2 What We Saw Today)

I remember when I first snuck a peak at dad's Playboy stash back in the late 1970's.  Playboy didn't have graphic crotch shots back then.  The women rarely spread their legs leaving this  pre and early pubescent boy with no idea what was down there.  All I knew was that something about that area enticed me to seeing it.  The first detailed crotch shot for me came from an unlikely source, my mom's copy of Gray's Anatomy (she is a nurse).  That image didn't really do much for me because it was so... clinical and sterile.  It had labels written in a fancy italic font.  It was not real.  I wanted to see a photo of a real one.

Illustration from Gray's Anatomy - 1918

When my brother left for college in the early 1980's I found a few copies of Penthouse he had hidden.  I finally saw my first crotch shot.  I was in puberty and it made me so aroused that the moment did not last long.  I knew right then I had seen the holy grail, the part of the woman that held a power over me and always wanted to see, touch, taste, and have sex with.  Since that time I've seen thousands of crotch shots through all the media I listed above.

While I usually grow tired of seeing such repetition, these photos will always pique my interest in the first few seconds.   I believe this basic instinct to look and feel deep interest that overrides the higher brain functions that would normally disregard such experiences.  Some part of me has the deep erotic and sensual need to know what beauty each woman has down there.  It is the basic physical identity of gender and why men and women were built differently.  We evolved to seek these parts out and to procreate.  Without this deep desire, we would have died out.

I try to find beauty in the open leg imagery (all media) with an artistic and erotically sensual appreciation, but the basis of it is the deep, DNA programming in my true core that says, "you want that, go get it."  As much as I try to make high-ended arguments for the merit of explicit imagery, most of it boils down to that truth of core desire.

Leila - 091610-2

For me, I don't want to see the open-legged shot first.  I want to build to it.  I don't want the shock of just seeing it first and being done with it.  The slow visual foreplay helps build the stage to seeing the ultimate beauty of the moment.  Without that buildup, the image or moment has no more sensual meaning than the drawing from Gray's Anatomy.

I've read criticism that the crotch shot objectifies the woman down to only being a vagina.    As an artist, I agree with that line of thought, especially if that is all you see of the woman.  As a mostly heterosexual man, I see that objectified body part, but I also see it as one of the ways into a woman.  Obviously there is the literal opening into her.  That should go without saying.  The more profound opening is the personal, representational opening of sexual pleasure into a woman's life.  I know there are many other physical erogenous areas to the woman's body, but let's be honest, this is probably the most obvious one.  By my getting to know that and all of her body, her pleasures, her special spots, along with the intangible things like music, food, words, imagery, etc., that get her sexually aroused, I am a better lover which is rewarding for both of us.  But getting back to the first part, is the crotch shot objectifying, my artistic answer involves lengthy discussions on intent, theme, etc.  For my base male answer, yes.   It is objectifying and it is my heterosexual nature to not only look, but look again and to maybe even be aroused by it.

Leila 091610 - 3

Even after having the pleasure and honor of enjoying this place on real women who shared themselves with me, that base desire is always still there.  It is just stronger since I know how it feels when I caress it, taste it, and we make love.  The visual images of it now represent all those shared sensation of sex.

I've looked at gay graphic images and notice the same trend.  While those photos don't float my boat like explicit female photos, the details are very similar.  These photos show models with flacid, semi, and fully erect penises.  Some are touching themselves, others have no hands in sight.  The testes and anuses are sometimes visible as well.  These explicit images must work for gay and bisexual men (and probably a few women as well, but I will not speak for them).  Even though procreation is impossible, the basic instinct of arousal is there.   The only difference is the gender of the subject matter


Most of hardcore porn, whether with heterosexuals, lesbians, or gay men, includes many "two fer" crotch shots.  You see both partners naughty bits up close and in action (very different than inaction).  They are reduced down to the most basic and base aspect of sex, the part that usually leads to the orgasm.  You now have objectified both partners.  You have deconstructed the whole human sexuality to one specific moment, the core essence of it all.

Leila 091610 - 4

This manly desire, whether gay or straight, for seeing graphic representations of the **woman's or ***man's primary genitalia  is innate for most sexually active men.  It is a part of our DNA, our core essence.  It feeds and inflames our masturbatory hunger as well.  As with almost all behaviors, learned or native, they can be encouraged, shaped, changed, or even put into remission with lots of behavioral modification.  My final question then is, should that instinct be left alone, altered, enlightened, or eradicated?


*Which is not the same as the money shot.  That is worth writing another post in the future.
 ** That sounds about as sexy as the Gray's Anatomy drawing looks, so lets call it a pussy, kitty, or whatever term you find to your liking.  I will not call it a cunt because that word is so charged with venom these days that it is disservice to use it.
*** Use whichever term you like: dick, cock, penis, etc.  I personally don't like the term pecker, but to each their own.  Interesting how there is not another term for it that is as offensive as cunt.

Photo note- Thanks Leila.  I chose my photos of her because I too them pre - 2009 and the 2257 regs don't haunt them as much.


*The title comes from the genetic chromosomes that determine male physical gender, XY.  (Women have XX chromosomes to identify physical gender.)  The chromosomes got their name by their shapes. 

Be Big - Greed and Success

"Greed is good." Promotional photo from the movie Wallstreet

"Greed is right. Greed works. Greed clarifies, cuts through, and captures the essence of the evolutionary spirit. Greed, in all of its forms—greed for life, for money, for love, knowledge—has marked the upward surge of mankind." - Gordon Gekko - Wallstreet

During this economic super recession, depression... what ever the hell it is, I am reflecting on the greed that got us into this mess.  Many still want the old life and forget that our greed is what got us into this mess.  The big investment bankers still deny they were the engine that brought this on.  We still feel greed and need as our primary source of self worth.  How does this play into the definition of the modern man?  For me, it actually goes to the most basic instinct of men, to survive and do better.  The challenge for the modern man is to determine what true success is.  Is it just having the most  awesome stuff?




The commercial with Anthony Hopkins was made in the mid-2000's when big was everything.  It reminds me of the character Gorden Gekko's speech on greed from the movie Wall Street.  Both sum up our motivations then... and now.




I was caught up in that mentality.  I wanted more, more, more.  I have a garage full of stuff that I uselessly accumulated over those years because I felt it reflected my success.  I am currently going through the stuff to figure out what to do with it.  Some of it I do enjoy, but most are gathering dust.  What lessons can I learn from the stuff I bought?

Most of the stuff I bought I used once or twice and then set aside.  The flash and wonder of it wore off fast.  I have a really cool tent that I knew would make camping perfect.  I used it once and haven't since.  There are many other things like that.  The idea of them was better than the actual product.  I got seduced ( or suckered) by the allure of what that product could do for me. 

Some of the stuff I used quite a bit on special projects or interests, for example all the tools I bought while restoring my truck and all the darkroom equipment I used back when I shot black and white film.  That stuff is gathering dust, but I enjoyed their use when I needed them.

The last bits of stuff are things I use constantly and really enjoy.  My digital camera, the new iMac, my cross country skis.  These are things that truly bring me joy to have.  So, what makes these things different than the other stuff listed above, especially the things that I only used once and forgot about?

It all comes down to the intent of my purchase.  The stuff I got that is gathering the most dust came from my need to show my success.  I wanted those things as status symbols, not what they were actually to be used for.  Once I found that I didn't really like tennis, the expensive tennis racket that was the best on the court was useless.  Why didn't I get a cheap one and learn on it first?  I wanted people to see I was serious about tennis and I had the best equipment for it.

The camera was something I didn't buy because everyone else had one and I needed it as a status symbol.  I bought it to make art, not just art, but MY art. The same is true for my iMac.  I got the cross country skis because I've done that since childhood and it is one of the simplest pleasures I know.  It brings me peace.

As a man (and probably as a human) I want success.  I want recognition.  I want people to say, "Wow Karl, that is really something special."  What I have learned from sorting out all my stuff is that I need to change what success is.  It no longer is, "Wow Karl, that tennis racket is something special."  I don't want to be remembered as having a special toy.  I want to people to say, "Wow Karl, that photo is important, beautiful (insert adjective of choice here)."  I want what I do to be what I am judged by, not what I have.

With all that grandiose, self-actualized bull shit I just wrote out there, I have to add one caveat that I have to throw into the mix.  In a hundred years, there will be all new people.  None of them are going to remember or care who I was.  After recognizing that, true success for me then is not what I own, but that I enjoy doing right now and get the most meaning from.   I hope more men realize that by having a cool toy, they are not cooler.  It is the enjoyment and purpose for the toy that makes it worth anything.

Hear Me Roar

Two Male Grizzles Playing - © Copyright 2010 David Chudnov, FreeLargePhotos.com.

"If you are going to be a bear, be a grizzly."   - unknown

If you are male, be a man.    - Karl - 091210 (but probably said a million times before)

Through out history the role of man in terms of gender, identity, roles, entitlements, crime, power, survival, sexuality, and many other areas continues to evolve and change to meet the standards and culture of the day.  Overall, I am a much different man than my great grandfather due to cultural changes and personal choices.  Even though I am my own modern man and am not completely the same as men in the past, I believe there are core rules, beliefs, and wired-in truths for men.

What is a real man?  I can be full of bullshit, but it is impossible to answer that question in one post.   That is the purpose of this new blog, Hear Me Roar.  It is my exploration of masculinity, musculism, the male role in gender, male sexuality and male stereotypes and generalizations.  This blog will be a sounding board and experimental forum for my future work during my MFA program.

Hey Karl, is this going to be a gay bashing, misogynistic hate blog?
I doubt it.  While I consider sexuality part of masculinity, I don't doubt the masculinity of gays, straights, bisexuals or transgendered men.  I find all of those aspects an interesting part of the whole group of masculine studies.  As for women, feminism, etc.  I support feminism and equality of gender.  I may get annoyed by certain aspects of the movement, but that may be because I either find it challenging issues that I am personally incorrect in my thoughts and beliefs on or it is something I find incorrect on their part and insults, harms, disparages, and damages men.

Ok, is this some wimpy apologetic white-liberal guilt blog kissing up to all those wronged by THE MAN?
Two words - Fuck no!  I will write lengthy posts about my beliefs on those issues.  For the moment I will simply state, I am accountable for my personal transgressions and will apologize for them.  As for my forefathers and all white men in general, no.  As stated above, I will write more about this and my goal of a post-apologetic world.

Here are some topics I am going to cover.

• Masculism - the study of males.  It is also the masculine movement, similar in ways to feminism.  I will explore the two major branches of masculism and masculists.
• Are men evil? - Is money evil?  What about porn and drugs?
• Where and when is it right to be a man and to exhibit gender traits and work in masculine roles?
• Male sexuality - that one will take many posts.
• In defense of manly things.
• Male stereotypes - What are the stereotypes of men, especially white middle-aged men?
• Male/Masculine Memes
• How can masculists and feminists support each other?  Where are they at odds and in agreement?
• The male gaze
• Do men still have the right to express sexuality through art, literature, etc.?
• What content can we produce?  What are the rights of the individual male compared to the corporate male?
• Criticism and critique with a masculist voice.
• Thoughts on masculist imagery in culture, movies, photography, art, music, tv, and other media.
• Can something be masculine and not be misogynistic?
• Is there ever a time when misogyny and misandry is justified? 

Along the way, I will also share guilty manly pleasures.  I truly hope I offend at times and show masculinity has multiple edges that can cut in different types of good and bad.  I will put links to videos and music that are tough to watch or worse.  I will have rough images as well.   These things wont necessarily reflect my tastes, values, etc., but will be used to make a point.  YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.

I am not a perfect man and I plan to explore that here.  I encourage you to challenge me on them.  By exploring why I have these things, I may change my belief on them or reinforce it even more.  I highly recommend you read through this blog a bit before becoming a member.  You may regret hasty decisions later.  YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.

As you may know, I have another blog, the Photo Fermata.  It is not going away or changing much.  It's purpose remains to explore art and my photography.  One big difference is this blog will feature very little of my own photography, unless it directly applies to my point.